lunar.soliloquy

Unfamiliar territory.

Unfamiliar people.

Uncertain where to go.

Uncertain what to do.

Uncertain what to expect.

Uncertain what’s expected of me.

Why I’m doing this I’m not even sure. Perhaps if I had considered my career options better I’d not be in this situation, but I’m not turning back now. I guess it’s normal to feel a bit disorientated on the first day of clinical attachments and I can only hope that things get better, ‘cause if they don’t, it’s going to be a long and dreary six weeks of hell. I don’t like unfamiliarity. I feel so powerless when I don’t know how things work or what systems are in place, and combined with the constant fear of getting lost I had a pretty rough day today. Added on are the simple tasks of everyday living that become so much harder simply because things are so much easier back home. I guess you could say I’m a guy who hates change, and it takes me time to settle into a new environment. Yeah, that’s just one thing I guess you could call my weakness. I just fall into a routine every day to the point I don’t have to think about anything, and when things change I suddenly have to think about the things that I previously took for granted and have to rethink things through. Such thought processes drain me mentally and I just feel so tired at the end of a day like this one. Especially since I just got to Hamilton yesterday and still haven’t figured everything out.

Today I was introduced to one of my consultants but I didn’t get to see any patients with him since he was busy for most of the morning. Fair enough, I suppose. But what made it worse was that my afternoon placement didn’t happen either since the team was out doing some training. I’m actually attached to two clinical teams, one community psych team that deals with patients in the community in (what I think is) an outpatient setting and in the afternoon I spend time with the Crisis Assessment Team that receives cases from the community and GP’s and deals with them on a case-by-case basis, referring or triaging them as they see fit. But hey, both of them had their things to do so I grabbed lunch in town (the community clinic is conveniently close to a nice vegetarian cafe I know), went back to the hospital and bugged some people on one of the pysch wards to ask them if any patients were being seen in the afternoon. Unfortunately I couldn’t find any patients to see there either (although one nice registrar showed me around, which was really awesome of him), so I just went home and hit the books. Oh yeah, I should mention, interspersed within the events of the day were numerous episodes of me getting lost in both the hospital and the clinic and once I was faced with the response “Will you buy me lunch if I do?” when asking for directions to my consultant’s office from one annoying lady =.= geez, some people really know who they can pick on. Just because I’m at the bottom of the food chain at the moment doesn’t mean you can give me shit, because I’m climbing up, and I’m going to get up there.

I sure hope tomorrow will be a better day. I want to fill in my logbook with cases as soon as I can and get all those goddamn boxes ticked so I won’t have to worry about them later when I’m stressing about CAT presentations and all those summative assessments that come at the end of the run. My consultant at the community clinic seems nice enough though, and he looked after me pretty well considering how busy he was today. I met the Crisis team briefly in the morning but they didn’t seem to know what to do with me since the consultant was away so I just pretty much sat there and watched. They were really busy, too. Seems as though there’s a shortage of psychiatrists (or just too many mad people, heh) and I’m not surprised the medical school is trying to bribe us med students with pizza lunches (we had one before starting our wards) to encourage us to specialise in their field. At least they had vegetarian pizzas there, so I’m not complaining.

I wonder what the easiest way to get internet access in my room would be. I’m considering getting a 3G Vodafone mobile broadband USB stick for my lappy so I don’t have to go to the commons every time I want to use the net. They close at like 5 which is kinda annoying since a lot of my internet use would be during the evening when I’m doing my research/surfing/msning so it would be really good if I could get it in my room. $79 for internet for 6 weeks seems a bit expensive but the USB stick might come in handy later in case I ever have to use it again. Just have to top it up I guess. Apart from having no internet my room is actually pretty nice for a free accommodation. I’m surprised the university have actually gone out of their way to provide us with a place like this since they normally don’t give us anything for free except our coursebooks and lab manuals at the beginning of the year. Normally it’s sort of like “we expect all med students to be at location xxx 15 minutes after class.” They will say “students are expected to organise their own transport to the venue” but in reality what they mean is this:

-“We expect you to either own a car or have your parents that can drive you.”
-“You won’t be able to use Auckland’s transport system because its shit and the place you need to be isn’t covered by the buses or trains anyway.”
-“If you have friends that can car pool with you but they’re only on their restricted we encourage you to break the law and make them take you anyway if that’s the only way you can get there.”

Meh, enough trolling for tonight, time to get some work done. Sayonara~

lol, I actually meant to post this 2 days ago but I realised the library and info commons close at 5 and I was out all day yesterday and too late to go down and post it on Thursday (I typed it on my laptop). The info commons are actually completely shut off during the weekend and I had a bit of an adventure this morning trying to find out where the after-hours entrance to the library was. I actually did go and buy a mobile broadbrand stick from the warehouse yesterday but the simcard that came with it was faulty =.= so I'm hoping to go back to them today to get that sorted out. Turns out that Facebook is blocked on the DHB computers (unsurprisingly) so I won't be on that until I get my mobile broadband up and running.

btw I thought I'd post some pics of my room at Hilda Ross House. Really good for free accommodation =D

I don't know what some people have against the way I dress, act, or do things in life, and honestly I don't care. But when these people act on these things it really gets on my nerves, 'cause I'm not like that at all. I guess people who don't know me could easily pass me off as looking as your typical troublemaker who pops up in the news all the time and is generally on the wrong side of the law. And they sure as hell aren't afraid to act on these stereotypes. At least the checkout supervisor at Pak'n'Save at Mt Albert wasn't, anyway. Hell, getting pulled up for stealing stuff seriously goddamn offends me especially since they didn't have any solid evidence to prove such an outrageous claim. So I let them know I was offended, and made sure they realised I'm not a guy that does that shit. The first thing I did when they pulled me away from my friends and into the room full of pictures of people who'd stolen stuff was empty the contents of my pockets onto the table and was going to empty my bag as well but they told me to 'hold it' and 'don't go so quickly'. Hell I was pissed. If being accused of stealing wasn't enough, patronising me and trying to assure me that what they were doing was 'store policy' or some shit wasn't going to make things any better. So I let them interrogate me for a few minutes and apparently the lady had "THOUGHT" she had seen me slip some of those multivitamin things into my pocket when I hadn't even touched the things. Sure, I was near them with my friends for a while, (explaining to the others about how the pills actually killed you rather than helped you if you didn't need them) but they'd be hard pressed to find any evidence at all that I'd taken anything. In spite of this the manager dude asked the lady to get a bottle of what she'd thought I'd taken and she pretty much picked one up at random and gave it to him. I volunteered to let them search me but they politely declined, saying I should empty the contents of my belongings on my own. I guess that's to cover their ass in case I sue their faces for harrassment 'cause it's my word against theirs if I end up complaining to the authorities. Either that old bitch had goddamn lied or she had a mental condition which made her hallucinate (in which case I'd be more than happy to see her on my psych attachment and take a good, long history from her) but I'm thinking it's the former. I understand that thievery is quite a problem around stores like those and I respect their procedures for going about the issue, but pulling up innocents like me on mere suspicion is just wrong. If you have an issue with the way I dress, just say it to my face instead of accusing me of doing shit I'd never done. I'm sure the first thing they saw in me the second I walked into the store was a typical rebellious teen who does drugs and alcohol and is a general burden on society. Never mind that I'm studying to become a doctor and that I'll be most likely be practicing in New Zealand where there's a shortage of them cuz we're losing all our graduates to Aussie and other overseas places because New Zealand underpays their professional workforce. Never mind that when that lady grows old and retires that I'm the one going to be paying the government in taxes for her pensions and her expensive medical treatments later on. Why the hell would I go out of the way so much to get some tablets that are going to kill myself anyway? Stealing is harder than buying stuff (in New Zealand, anyway) and if I was going to steal something it would probably be something actually useful in some way, shape or form. Not that I would steal anything, but just saying. Anyway, enough of that. /BIG RANT

Annoying people aside, the past few days have been pretty fun, and it's because of days like those that I enjoy the lifestyle in Auckland so much. Even if the Lantern Festival was just a sea of people eating overpriced, oily, fattening foods and wasting money on similarly overpriced Chinese merchandise it was fun because it gave you an excuse to hang out with friends when otherwise you'd be stuck at home doing the things you were supposed to be doing (ie. study). Oh wait, I'm only seeing it that way because I've started uni already. Nevermind. But still, it was fun. Even if I was dragged away from my friends by a certain someone very early on *cough*.

I experienced the thrills of a laserstrike for the first time yesterday for Shaochen's 21st birthday gathering and I would definitely play again if I had the chance. Not that I'm any good at it, but I at least know how the game works so next time I don't completely suck. At least my score improved with successive games, which was a little encouraging (even if I was always last xD). Gets really tiring though, my legs still ache this morning from all that running around. Afterwards we had lunch at a cheap Chinese takeaway and went to his house to prepare for the evening barbecue at Cornwall Park. All in all, it was a great 21st gathering filled with good times, but was also kinda sad since it was probably the last time I would be seeing my med school friends for a long time. I sure hope I'll find some people who I can hang with in Hamilton, otherwise it's going to be a long six weeks.

I'm not sure how I'm going to spend this Sunday today. My parents were here last night and were going to some event in Auckland with Katherine so I've got the day pretty much free (hence why I've decided to blog this morning) although I'm probably meant to be doing some study of some sort. Weather outside looks alright so I might head off and wander town by myself for a bit after the laundry's done. Heh, just because I've started uni already doesn't mean I can't have a little time to myself now and then, right?

So uni's started for me already and it's been depressing having to constantly tell people that you won't be free on x day because you have uni, then having to explain that 4th year med starts 3 weeks before everyone else. I wouldn't mind starting uni early if everyone else was in the same boat, but I guess that's just another case of "it's fine so long as everyone else has to suffer like me and I'm not alone" kind of thing and that's just not how life goes. Ranting aside, I did have an enjoyable last few days of holiday hanging out with friends, playing Starcraft and watching anime so it's not as though I haven't had time to do the things I like. It's just never enough sometimes, but I don't regret going back home because the work experience was great (not to mention the $ ^^;). Next summer I have plans to go overseas with my family so I don't think I'll be working again anyway. It's been a while since I've had a holiday overseas and something tells me I'll need it after finishing 4th year... >< This year's going to be a challenging one, and just one flick through the course info booklet was enough to tell me so.

The first week of uni started off with two jam-packed-crammed days full of rheumatology and locomotor stuff that's completely new to me and they go through the stuff so fast we're like halfway through the coursebook already. Fortunately I don't have my loco attachment til like June so I'll have time to get to grips with this stuff (hopefully). The rest of the 3 days were spent learning about the culturally appropriate management of Maori and Pacific Island patients =.=. It was like Maori Health Week all over again, although this time at least we didn't have to draw posters. But they still made us learn Te Reo. And go to a Marae 30 minutes out of the city in South Auckland where no buses go (fortunately I had transport). Not that I mind having an easy three days at uni but hearing all this talk about cultural sensitivity and how we should be aware of Maori's values and beliefs really annoys me when that's the only culture they care about when there are so many other cultures in New Zealand. Doesn't New Zealand pride itself in being a cultural diverse country? What about MY culture? If Maori are entitled to culturally appropriate management then shouldn't I be, as well? Not that I identify myself with any culture, anyway. When you look Chinese yet were brought up in a Westernised environment, have relatives in Indonesia yet don't speak Indonesian, have relatives in Canada yet speak with a strong Kiwi accent, it's not long before you feel that you don't belong anywhere at all, least of all, in your own country (which one is it, anyway?) and to be honest, nobody gives a damn because they think you're just another goddamn asian. Fortunately I can relate to asian culture (or at least what I think it is) relatively well and even though I don't use chopsticks perfectly, speak any asian language or play chinese chess, I'm still quite satisfied with being identified as an asian and I can live with that. I understand that culture is something that gives individuals resilience and being close to one's culture can give people greater ability to cope with the many of life's struggles and I believe that's an important part of being an individual. So what about the Maori? Well I do believe their culture should be acknowledged as part of their overall well-being but I just wish that other cultures were considered as well. If I had a Chinese name I'm sure I'd be just as insulted if someone doesn't even try and pronounce it as would a Maori person. I think cultural health should be taught as a whole and perhaps greater emphasis on the cultures most relevant to New Zealand. Yes, that does include Asians and if they want to benefit from all the dollars us Asians are bringing into the country through tourism and international student schemes then I believe they have a responsibility to treat us properly. Learning about other cultures is actually pretty interesting and it's really neat to see how others get around life and the reasons for doing the things the way they do. But when the sole focus is just on one culture it begins to get a bit one-sided and I just lose interest after a while. I hope I don't come across as racist or anything, I do appreciate that Maori are a population with high health needs and yes, they are entitled to quality health services but that doesn't mean I'm obliged to learn their language or anything like that.

Sigh, I hope I don't get in trouble for voicing my opinions so publicly but that's just how I've been feeling for the past three days. I guess the lack of having my own culture to relate to kind of attenuates my annoyance, having to learn so much about other people's cultures while barely having anything of the sort yourself kind of hurts after three days. I guess it's the same as I felt over the duration of Maori Health week two years ago, although back then having a solid self-identity as a person wasn't something I was too concerned about back then. Sometimes I wonder if I'm allowed to be proud to be Asian when I know so little about the way Asians do things compared to people who have been brought up in that sort of environment. It wasn't til I went up to Auckland that I had Asian friends who I could relate to on the same level (my parents were sort of Asian, but not really) and up til then most of my friends were from much different upbringings to mine. Not that I can't get along with people from different backgrounds, but it's just nice to have someone you can talk to on the same level as yourself and know that the things you say actually mean something to the other person. In essence, I think that cultural sensitivity is simply acknowledging that other people have reasons for doing the things the way they do. Even if you do things a little bit differently (and you probably think you're doing it better), I feel that respecting their way of doing things and acknowledging that it means something to them is all you need to communicate on the same level as someone with a different backgrouind than yours.

So here I am again, back in the big city. Although I regard Auckland as my home now I still feel as if it's missing something that I feel I should have for a place to be my home. Parents? More friends? More familiarity with the area? I don't know. It sure does feel a lot better than Rotorua though, despite my parents being there and my high school friends and the house I spent a large proportion of my earlier days in. Perhaps I'm expecting too much from this place when it's already given me everything it has to offer, and I'm taking everything I have for granted. Yeah ,that's probably the case. As it has been many times before.

So I ended up spending the past week including Auckland Anniversary weekend here with my parents and Nee-san (yeah don't give me weird looks for implying that four people stayed in a 2 bedroom apartment, because that's exactly what happens every time they visit). It's been a while since the four of us were together so we did spend quite a lot of time together which was nice, even if I wasn't able to spend as much time with friends as I could have. We went ice skating and bowling on Saturday and spent Sunday at Mission Bay. During the weekdays Nee-san had work so instead I spent the time sorting out my new computer which I ordered the first day I got back ^^;. Feels so nice playing SC2 lag-free on my Lutaria (yes, I gave my new comp a name. What? don't give me weird looks =.= I name all my stuff, live with it), it feels so much nicer doing things on a desktop rather than my chunky Luna (my toshiba satellite P200), the environment is so more customisable with the keyboard separate from the monitor and it clears my desk from cables that are now sitting tucked at the back of my box on the ground.

Here are the specs of my new machine:
LUTARIA
Intel Core i5-2500 CPU @ 3.30GHz (Sandy Bridge ftw =D)
Sapphire Radeon HD6850 1GB GDDR5 Graphics Card
Kingston 6GB 1600MHz C8 DDR3 HyperX Non-ECC CL8 (8-8-8-24)
Western Digital Black Edition 1TB 64M Cache 3.5" SATA3 HDD
Gigabyte P67A-UD3 LGA 1155 Motherboard
Cooler Master 650W Power Supply
Cooler Master Elite 430 Mid Tower ATX Case

I also scored a LG 20" LED monitor and a Microsoft Headset off my nee-san who was upgrading hers. Altogether my setup cost me about $1500 which seemed reasonable for a mid-range machine. I like to think of it as a late Christmas present for myself for all the work I did over the summer ^^. I still need to sell off the 500W power supply that came with the case on trademe.

So that's my week in Auckland in summary. I won't say any more about my time in Rotorua because there simply isn't much there to talk about. Recently I've just been staying home and taking it easy since my legs are still a bit sore from ice-skating. Yesterday I browsed the numerous anime and Japanese dramas I got from Masaya but haven't really gotten really into any of the series yet, although Kaze no Stigma seems pretty good. Perhaps I'll watch more of that today if nothing else interesting is happening today.