lunar.soliloquy

I feel exhausted. Tonight was so emotionally charged I don't think I can get anything done tonight in terms of work. But I'm glad that I've been given a chance. And I'm going to sure as hell make the most of that chance. I know I've probably tried to move too fast given the circumstances, but I don't regret revealing my hand sooner than later since I would have to make the move eventually at some point. Today I learned I misinterpreted an unintentional sign that probably did lead me to make that move a bit sooner, and I found it quite amusing *chuckles to himself*

Anyway, I'm feeling like I could collapse from exhaustion any moment now, time to use the remainder of my strength to wash up and sleep.

I've played all the cards I've wanted to and revealed my hand. Trying to get anywhere by playing with your cards concealed just makes things complicated and stressful, and unlike Mahjong, you don't get any extra points for it. I spent a great deal of yesterday pondering over whether that was the right thing to do, since I thought I'd handle it, whatever the outcome. I guess I wasn't as strong as I thought I was, since if I really was that resilient of a person I wouldn't have had any second thoughts about my actions. If only I believed in myself a bit more, trusted in my abilities more, and left the rest to the forces of the universe, I would feel more comfortable about doing such things. I guess I'm still learning.

Today I told myself I wouldn't think anything more of it and get on with life as I'm meant to. I don't want to get my hopes up for anything that's not going to happen. Man, I really need to get a grip. I can't lose focus, gotta stay on track. I've been so preoccupied with this that I haven't had a chance to address other things on my agenda that need addressing. Like which teaching hospital I want to go to next year for Year 5. And study. And vacuuming, and cooking. I really do need to move on from these fragile ambitions.

Queen's birthday weekend was great, but would've been better if I hadn't come down with the cold on the day I had highly anticipated for the past week. I don't understand why shit has to happen like that but it does. I guess I'm not one to complain, at least I had a great time given the circumstances. Pochama and I spent the following day both studying and listening to each other's shit; it's good to know that shit in life doesn't just happen to you, it just seems that way since I'm the type of person who'd shoulder all their problems alone. And to a large extent, I still do. If I've learned anything in those years of high school and university I'd discard so readily it would be that nothing good is going to happen if you don't do anything yourself to solve your problems. I know it sounds stupid, but it took me a while to realise that truth. I spent the first 16 years of my life as a passive being, always being told what to do by people, be it parents or teachers, never having any initiative to do anything for myself. I don't know why I was that way. Perhaps it was because I was constantly told off so harshly for getting things wrong, or breaking the household rules that I eventually lost confidence in myself and thought it would make everyone else happy if I just did what they told me. And if they were happy, well so was I. After all, I just wanted to keep the peace and be a good kid. It didn't occur to me that I was allowed to have my own desires and ambitions because back then, you just did what you were told, and anything beyond that was scrutinised with much contempt.

It wasn't until I got to Auckland that things changed. No longer did I have anyone telling me what the fuck to do all day and night, be it practice piano, chores, homework, assignments or sleep. I could do whatever I wanted, pretty much. But it was then that I realised that I didn't have any ambitions at all, and what the hell did I get from listening to adults all my life, doing everything to please them and gain their approval? NOTHING, absolutely fuckin NOTHING. A huge part of what I regret about my previous years is how much more I could've gotten out of life if I had broken the cycle and actually taken control of my life. I don't want to blame my parents for what they did for me, because I know they were only trying their best. I can't blame anyone but myself for trusting that adults knew what was best for me and not realising that I am perfectly capable of looking after myself and doing things my own way. But it's hard to believe in yourself when nobody believes in you. I guess friends would've helped a bit. Not that you get the luxury of choosing your friends in a small town like that. Especially when I can't understand the merits of Kiwi teenage culture even though I was born in this goddamn country and lived amongst them all my life.

As you can tell I'm not in a terribly good mood today. Still recovering from the cold from the weekend and I can't really concentrate on what the hell I'm typing. Anyway what I was getting at was that things have changed since back then. I realise that there isn't anything to gain from making people happy, and the desire to live in a world where everyone is at peace was a childish and futile one to have. I don't know why I was so disillusioned as a child. It took me a while to start believing in myself and carrying out my own will instead of the will of others. And to do that you have to do things yourself because I honestly don't think anyone cares what the fuck you want. The majority of people in this world are self-interested and I don't believe they'd give a shit about you unless there's something they can benefit from doing so. The harshness of that reality took a while for me to realise since I guess I was sheltered all my childhood. Perhaps it was all that religious bullshit they drilled into us as kids at Primary and High School. I actually fuckin believed that crap. Wouldn't the world be a nice place if everyone just listened and cared for each other, avoiding conflict wherever possible? Admitting that you were wrong and apologising were things that became the mainstay of my personality as a kid because that was the right thing to do back then; I never stood up for myself once. And it goddamn stuck with me. I can't believe I listened to it all, but how could I have known better. I hate religion and what it did to me for believing it. It made me a weak person. It's been a real struggle going through med school with people who were brought up under more constructive values and beliefs, as it makes it difficult for me to relate to them. Especially in clinical years where you actually have to be real pushy to get the things you want.

It's taken me a few years to finally break out of those delusions and live the way I want. I know I can't shake all my childhood experiences off and perhaps a few of them will stick with me. Living alone and away from parental influences has helped a lot. I think I can safely say I know how to live my life better than they could ever tell me. I don't care if I have to do it alone because now I believe in myself and know my limits. I'm glad for the friends who accept me for who I am and I appreciate their prescence in my life. I doubt I could have broken the cycle without their influence. Occassionally I feel myself becoming envious of those who grew up among good friends and better influences but that's just me beating myself up for being so weak back then. I know I can't change the past, but only move on with the things I've learned. And I've learned a shitload.

I apologise for all the strong emotional content of this post. I'm not normally this agitated about my past these days but when I'm sick I tend to get depressed and I start thinking about it again. I won't dwell on this any longer, time to make myself some dinner and relax in front of some anime.