2011

I really need to find something better to do with my time these days. I know holidays are meant to be relaxing but somehow lazing around at home on the wii and computer doesn't quite satisfy me like it used to. I mean, I've been spending a lot of time with mikorikawa which has been really good, but its just finding things to do when I'm not with her is the problem. Maybe I'm beginning to realise how precious time is and feeling like I should be doing something more productive. Or at least enjoyable. Zelda is beginning to lose its appeal. Just as well, I'm almost at the end of the main story. I'd probably be finished with it now if it weren't for all those little side-quests. Damn that perfectionist attitude, that desire to collect all those little heart pieces even though having one or two extra hearts at the end of the game means fuck all.


Going to Vancouver next Saturday. I guess I'm pretty excited about that. Although not as excited as I should be. I duno, I've just been in a weird mood lately. Maybe spending too much time at home and getting cabin fever. Just seem to have lost that enthusiasm for life in general. I don't know what it is. Maybe just having another one of those days. I didn't think my mood fluctuated that much still. Meh, maybe I just need to find some better things to spend my time with. Guess catching up on sleep is a good start. Hope mikorikawa comes online soon, its nearly my bed time and we still haven't talked yet.

... bored

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Thursday, December 8, 2011

And here's yet another post after a long long hiatus from blogger =[ I really should just be honest with myself and make this like a monthly thing since every time I find the time and motivation to start up again it really never lasts very long. I don't even remember what my last post was on here since I couldn't be bothered looking back cuz the internet is so damn slow today thanks to Kat downloading Diablo 3 (since she got access to the beta) and its taking forever to load stuff. So I'm just going to say what's been happening in recent times.

I guess the biggest thing is that I'm done with uni for the year. Heh, the very appearance of this post probably explained that already. 4th year was pretty heavy. The workload does fluctuate throughout the year though, but the amount of hours spent doing uni-related stuff this year far exceeds that of previous years by miles. You pretty much have 40 hour weeks during the busier runs and on top of that you have your study, assignments, presentations, OSCEs and all that jazz. Then you have exams. It was such an intense year that suddenly having all this free time now feels surreal. I remember how anhedonic I became during those last few days before the final exam. I got to the stage where I just didn't care any more. Pass, borderline pass, fail...didn't seem to matter anymore. I just wanted it to end. I felt like I wasn't able to enjoy anything. Even after the exam, the feeling still lingered. I can't remember the last time I felt so low. Depressing, I know. But those feelings were real.

Its interesting what stress does to you. I mean, I really don't want to fail this year. It would be terrible, having all the blood, sweat and tears be shed in vain; the outcome would be the same as if you simply hadn't tried at all, or went on a vacation or something. Having to go through that shit again would be so damn annoying. I suppose it would be easier the second time around but its still a lot of hours. Not to mention the social stigma of being held back. I don't usually care about that sort of stuff, but its one thing I could certainly do without. I'm just hoping I did well enough to pass. Exam B was hard. So many obscure and specific questions. It's still difficult for me to relax until I see that green light. I know I can't do anything about it so I'm trying to distract myself with games and hobbies in the meantime. Oh man, I fucking don't want to fail.

On a lighter note, vacation time means I get to spend more time with mikorikawa! <3 YAY. It's so great being to hang out with her without the ominous awareness of the amount of study that's lurking in the background needing to be done. I only have 3 weeks in Auckland before I head off to Canada so I really want to make the most of it. Sometimes I feel guilty for not having as much time for her as I should, and sometimes I wish we could have met under different circumstances. Ah well, some things can't be helped. Just means that every moment with her is that more precious. Here are some photos ^^

Hanging at the domain on a sunny day

The Sushi Room: Before

The Sushi Room: After

Armageddon! =D

Snow Ice~*

Ah, I feel so lucky to have such an awesome girlfriend.

So today I spent the morning trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with my DVD writer. Turns out that those Sandy Bridge motherboards made by Gigabyte have faulty SATA2 ports. It took me forever to figure that out, it was so annoying. At first I thought it was the writer itself that was malfunctioning but then I realised I'd recently installed a new 2TB internal HDD and shifted the DVD drive cable to a different port. So that means I have to drop my computer in to get repaired...zZz...why do I have such bad luck with computer parts :S I think that's the 3rd part that's failed on me so far.

Tried to draw a bit today too. Key word being -tried-. Sometimes I wish I took up more constructive hobbies during my youth instead of just playing games and reading books. I guess I did learn piano. Although that skill is pretty much gone through years of neglect. Just seeing what others can do inspires me sometimes. Although often I never put in enough work or practice to ever get to the level of the people I get inspired by, heh. Guess its my general lack of motivation holding me back again. Perhaps I need to find out ways to motivate myself, so maybe I'll actually get somewhere in life. Meh, sometimes I just like being indifferent. I don't get excited or amused very easily. I know I probably come across as a boring, uninteresting person to most people. And I can live with that. I don't mind being alone too much anyway, it can be peaceful.

For those of you in the tl;dr camp: There isn't much interesting content in this post. Your life won't be any better from reading this so go back to living your life. No offense taken.

Anhedonia

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Thursday, November 24, 2011

Another month gone, and only 2 months before finals. That's pretty damn scary. I told myself I wouldn't fail anything this year, and I want to keep that promise to myself. I think those 9 weeks in Rotorua gave me a lot of self-reflection time to think about my life and what's important to me in this world. I realise that up til now I've really been skimming the surface of medicine and not truly engaging in it as well as I should have been. My lack of knowledge during many of my clinical attachments supports this. If only I took things a little more seriously maybe I wouldn't have to feel like this. But the past can't be changed, as I keep telling myself indefinitely. I did have a lot of fun earlier on this year, though. Hanging with kuroi_rose and the anime club, playing mtg and starcraft with the engineering group, and of course, cruising around Auckland with Pochama, Kurosei and Mikorikawa...I do miss doing all those things. *sigh*, priorities.

That isn't to say I haven't been having any fun lately, although 2 weeks of campus learning was a bit of a drag, I must say. I had my 21st birthday gathering last Friday which was a great night. It was really good seeing everybody after being away in Rotorua for so long, and made me appreciate what awesome people I have in my life. Although it was a pretty tiring night for me. At least all 25 people managed to fit in my apartment. It was also the first time since Mikorikawa and I were introduced to everyone as a couple. It was a new experience, being together in front of so many people. We also attended ice-skating yesterday together with friends. Going out with friends feels different now that I have Mikorikawa. I guess a lot of my attention is focused on her whereas before I'd go out of my way more to catch up with everyone else. Especially since she doesn't know many of my friends. It's sorta the same when I hang out with her friends, too, I feel. I don't want to distance myself from my friends just because I'm dating now, but sometimes I can't help it. I guess its one of those challenges that comes with being in a relationship.

At the moment I only have two things on my mind: study and spending time with Mikorikawa. Everything else seems unimportant. It's ridiculous to have such a one-tracked mind (or should I say, two-tracked) but I can't help but feel this way. I even feel like I'm wasting time writing this blog but I've been feeling so tired today from consecutive nights of poor sleep that nothing's going in. I don't know why but for some reason I've been getting real lousy sleep these past nights since coming back from Rotorua. Perhaps I should invest in some sleeping medications. It's getting to the point that entire days are going by with me feeling like rubbish throughout whereas usually I just lose the morning if I don't sleep well. Even taking a 2 hour nap didn't help. So annoying, having poor sleep ruin your day. Wish I could sleep like I could before. Enough ranting, I should probably stop wasting time and get on with something productive now.

Mikorikawa and I <3

Resolve

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Monday, September 19, 2011

It doesn't feel like 3 weeks have passed since my last post. Medicine's been so full-on I haven't had the chance to stop and reflect on things like I usually do. Over the past few weeks I've been sinking into the routine of - 1. Wake up 2. Eat breakfast 3. Go to the hospital 4. Come back from hospital 5. Study 6. Dinner 7. Study 8. Skype mikorikawa 9. Sleep. Not that I have problem with routine, I actually quite enjoy having things in order and knowing what to expect during the day. It's just some moments when I realise I've been doing the same damn thing every single day for the past few weeks that I question whether this is really okay with me. There are weekends, of course. But those are for catching up on study and doing those bloody case histories we're supposed to hand in every week. Sometimes I wonder what I got myself into when I signed up for medicine. Makes me wonder why so many people want to do it when you have to give up so much. I'm definitely not ambitious. Turns out that most people who do medicine are. You have to push for what you want if you want to succeed in any career, now that I think about it. And medicine is no different.


Doing med certainly makes you grow up very quickly, even if you don't want to. Especially once you get to 4th year and beyond. You're forced to go out into foreign parts of the country on your own and arrange everything for yourself on top of all the study you're meant to keep up with. Don't have a car? Don't have a licence? Too bad. You're supposed to have those by now. Never left your parental home? Well now is the time to. I guess by the age of 21 most people would be able to do those things. And it turns out a lot of people do enjoy that aspect of getting out there and doing things. But unfortunately I'm not like most people. I do like sticking to what's familiar if I can help it.

I guess I've come to accept that I can no longer keep up with those time-consuming hobbies I used to enjoy so much. Watching anime and tv series, reading manga, playing games, MTG drafting ... I guess those things don't get you anywhere in the long run. Although I probably could do some of those things if I made time. I'd just have to make sure I didn't get carried away with doing those activities. Which is easy to do. Especially anime. I haven't even had time to blog recently but that's something I don't want to give up. It's really good to look back and reflect on things that have happened and the thoughts you had at the time. Before I used to blog to get stuff out of my head but that was back when I had too much time on my hands and thought about stuff more than I should have been. Nevertheless, I want to keep this blog going, whatever the reason. I just like it.

Anyhow I should probably get on with doing some things tonight. Even though its a Friday night and I don't usually get much done on days like this I should probably make an effort.

In the Heart of Medicine

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Thursday, August 25, 2011

Category

,

I suppose it's about time I wrote something here, since it's been about 2 months since my last post and circumstances have prevented me from keeping this thing updated.


My last few posts have been moderately suggestive of activity in my life that could not be disclosed due to the nature of this blog (ie. public). And what can I say, the 13th of June marks the day that I started dating mikorikawa ^^. I can't go into much detail about what's been going on these past 2 months but I can say that this has certainly been a new experience for me. Having a girlfriend has definitely opened my eyes to some of the flaws in my personality, heh. I'm still getting used to having someone; sometimes I do go about things as if I was single since it's just simply what I've been doing for so long. I've found I had to learn to re-evaluate previously familiar situations with this new context, otherwise I might end up being misinterpreted >< Such is the nature of this world, people do like to jump to conclusions rather quickly about such issues I find. Anyhow, it's a learning experience for me and I'm definitely going to do my best to make the most of it.

My mid-year break was largely spent studying and hanging out with mikorikawa and was possibly one of the most enjoyable 2 weeks of the year. 2 weeks of freedom, good company and moderate productivity; I can't recall the last time I felt so comfortable with my life and it goes without saying those two weeks went by very quickly. You might remember my post "My Type of Girl" from a while back, I honestly didn't think I'd find someone like her and I was quite prepared to enjoy single-dom for many, many more years. It's not that I didn't have confidence in myself as a person, but it was that my expectations were pretty damn specific. There really aren't many people who can understand me as a person and I've long accepted that reality. I just feel lucky to have mikorikawa since it's nice to be able to share your thoughts with someone who really understands and accepts you.

Uni's been pretty steady over the past few months although it has been hard for both of us since I've been down in Rotorua for most of the time doing Orthopaedics and now Medicine. Ortho was quite a relaxed and enjoyable run; it came to a surprise that that's the only ortho teaching we'll have in med school. I could do without the extra rheumatology, though, heh. Totally failed that station at the OSCE. Medicine has been really interesting and quite intellectually stimulating, although there's a hell of a lot to know and sometimes ward rounds go on for 6 hours! Lots to see and do, I'm already looking forward to doing medical runs as a House Officer xD you're always kept busy and there never seems to be a dull moment. I've grown to quite like Rotorua Hospital too, the close-knit and friendly environment really has grown on me. Pity that the city lifestyle has already gotten a fairly firm grip on me, I can't imagine myself working and living in a town like Rotorua in the long term. I can understand why so many people want to live in Auckland. There are just so many more opportunities. Even though I know as a medical practitioner you have the freedom to train anywhere in the country I don't think I could give up Auckland that easily. I find when you live in a town like Rotorua your social connections are far too restricted and you can't meet people who can really relate to you, simply because there are too few of those people there. Being different from most people I find this affects people like me a lot. So what if I don't want to join you drinking on Friday night. I'm not going to change myself just because the majority of the country places value in getting drunk and having a wild social life. Not that I mind being alone, I'd just rather not be if I had the choice.

I don't know how this rambling started, I guess I'm just trying to justify myself staying in Auckland since my parents keep nagging me to stay and live in Rotorua after I graduate. I really don't know where I'm going to end up in 3 years time but I do have a feeling I want to be in Auckland. Auckland has become my home. Going back "home" to Rotorua feels like leaving, and coming back to Auckland feels like coming back for real. Guess such feelings can't be helped when you're attached to a place you call your home.

Anyway I should be sleeping now, just finished skyping the dear one and gotta make it to the 8am ward round tomorrow.

Synchronicity

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Thursday, August 4, 2011

I feel exhausted. Tonight was so emotionally charged I don't think I can get anything done tonight in terms of work. But I'm glad that I've been given a chance. And I'm going to sure as hell make the most of that chance. I know I've probably tried to move too fast given the circumstances, but I don't regret revealing my hand sooner than later since I would have to make the move eventually at some point. Today I learned I misinterpreted an unintentional sign that probably did lead me to make that move a bit sooner, and I found it quite amusing *chuckles to himself*

Anyway, I'm feeling like I could collapse from exhaustion any moment now, time to use the remainder of my strength to wash up and sleep.

A tiny fire burns, but idk what I really feel.

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Monday, June 13, 2011

I've played all the cards I've wanted to and revealed my hand. Trying to get anywhere by playing with your cards concealed just makes things complicated and stressful, and unlike Mahjong, you don't get any extra points for it. I spent a great deal of yesterday pondering over whether that was the right thing to do, since I thought I'd handle it, whatever the outcome. I guess I wasn't as strong as I thought I was, since if I really was that resilient of a person I wouldn't have had any second thoughts about my actions. If only I believed in myself a bit more, trusted in my abilities more, and left the rest to the forces of the universe, I would feel more comfortable about doing such things. I guess I'm still learning.

Today I told myself I wouldn't think anything more of it and get on with life as I'm meant to. I don't want to get my hopes up for anything that's not going to happen. Man, I really need to get a grip. I can't lose focus, gotta stay on track. I've been so preoccupied with this that I haven't had a chance to address other things on my agenda that need addressing. Like which teaching hospital I want to go to next year for Year 5. And study. And vacuuming, and cooking. I really do need to move on from these fragile ambitions.

Fragile Ambitions

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Sunday, June 12, 2011

Queen's birthday weekend was great, but would've been better if I hadn't come down with the cold on the day I had highly anticipated for the past week. I don't understand why shit has to happen like that but it does. I guess I'm not one to complain, at least I had a great time given the circumstances. Pochama and I spent the following day both studying and listening to each other's shit; it's good to know that shit in life doesn't just happen to you, it just seems that way since I'm the type of person who'd shoulder all their problems alone. And to a large extent, I still do. If I've learned anything in those years of high school and university I'd discard so readily it would be that nothing good is going to happen if you don't do anything yourself to solve your problems. I know it sounds stupid, but it took me a while to realise that truth. I spent the first 16 years of my life as a passive being, always being told what to do by people, be it parents or teachers, never having any initiative to do anything for myself. I don't know why I was that way. Perhaps it was because I was constantly told off so harshly for getting things wrong, or breaking the household rules that I eventually lost confidence in myself and thought it would make everyone else happy if I just did what they told me. And if they were happy, well so was I. After all, I just wanted to keep the peace and be a good kid. It didn't occur to me that I was allowed to have my own desires and ambitions because back then, you just did what you were told, and anything beyond that was scrutinised with much contempt.

It wasn't until I got to Auckland that things changed. No longer did I have anyone telling me what the fuck to do all day and night, be it practice piano, chores, homework, assignments or sleep. I could do whatever I wanted, pretty much. But it was then that I realised that I didn't have any ambitions at all, and what the hell did I get from listening to adults all my life, doing everything to please them and gain their approval? NOTHING, absolutely fuckin NOTHING. A huge part of what I regret about my previous years is how much more I could've gotten out of life if I had broken the cycle and actually taken control of my life. I don't want to blame my parents for what they did for me, because I know they were only trying their best. I can't blame anyone but myself for trusting that adults knew what was best for me and not realising that I am perfectly capable of looking after myself and doing things my own way. But it's hard to believe in yourself when nobody believes in you. I guess friends would've helped a bit. Not that you get the luxury of choosing your friends in a small town like that. Especially when I can't understand the merits of Kiwi teenage culture even though I was born in this goddamn country and lived amongst them all my life.

As you can tell I'm not in a terribly good mood today. Still recovering from the cold from the weekend and I can't really concentrate on what the hell I'm typing. Anyway what I was getting at was that things have changed since back then. I realise that there isn't anything to gain from making people happy, and the desire to live in a world where everyone is at peace was a childish and futile one to have. I don't know why I was so disillusioned as a child. It took me a while to start believing in myself and carrying out my own will instead of the will of others. And to do that you have to do things yourself because I honestly don't think anyone cares what the fuck you want. The majority of people in this world are self-interested and I don't believe they'd give a shit about you unless there's something they can benefit from doing so. The harshness of that reality took a while for me to realise since I guess I was sheltered all my childhood. Perhaps it was all that religious bullshit they drilled into us as kids at Primary and High School. I actually fuckin believed that crap. Wouldn't the world be a nice place if everyone just listened and cared for each other, avoiding conflict wherever possible? Admitting that you were wrong and apologising were things that became the mainstay of my personality as a kid because that was the right thing to do back then; I never stood up for myself once. And it goddamn stuck with me. I can't believe I listened to it all, but how could I have known better. I hate religion and what it did to me for believing it. It made me a weak person. It's been a real struggle going through med school with people who were brought up under more constructive values and beliefs, as it makes it difficult for me to relate to them. Especially in clinical years where you actually have to be real pushy to get the things you want.

It's taken me a few years to finally break out of those delusions and live the way I want. I know I can't shake all my childhood experiences off and perhaps a few of them will stick with me. Living alone and away from parental influences has helped a lot. I think I can safely say I know how to live my life better than they could ever tell me. I don't care if I have to do it alone because now I believe in myself and know my limits. I'm glad for the friends who accept me for who I am and I appreciate their prescence in my life. I doubt I could have broken the cycle without their influence. Occassionally I feel myself becoming envious of those who grew up among good friends and better influences but that's just me beating myself up for being so weak back then. I know I can't change the past, but only move on with the things I've learned. And I've learned a shitload.

I apologise for all the strong emotional content of this post. I'm not normally this agitated about my past these days but when I'm sick I tend to get depressed and I start thinking about it again. I won't dwell on this any longer, time to make myself some dinner and relax in front of some anime.

Life has been quite good to me over the past week and a half since I last posted. I won't say exactly why, but let's just say things are going really nicely ^^. My apologies for being so vague about this matter, since this is a public blog I'd rather not delve into the details in case this is read by certain individuals. Not that I'm keeping any secrets, but some things are best left unsaid until the appropriate time.

Emergency run was great. I could've spent another month in ED, it's such a shame its only two weeks. There were a lot of things I liked about the run, besides the comparitively light shift hours and the nice cruisy assessment criteria. As I said in my last post, being able to actually do stuff has been really awesome instead of standing around feeling lost and bored. I even spent quite a lot of time hanging out with the nurses and nursing students and found I learned things I wouldn't have learned if I hung with my consultant or registrar all the time. All this practical hospital stuff you just never learn at med school. Like how to work a hospital bed. How to hook a patient up to the monitoring unit. What to do if a patient needs to use the toilet. I guess it's all nursing stuff but it's still good to know these things. I feel that in the hospitals there's quite a bit of overlap between nursing and medical care since I'm seeing nurses doing a lot of the stuff that the doctors do on the ward. Half the time the procedures I'm trying to observe have already been done by the nurses but they're usually really awesome in letting me do stuff even though I'm not a nursing student.

Campus learning week has been dreadfully busy. Initially I was looking forward to the opportunity to sit in lectures again among my peers but the amount of content they've crammed into this one and a half weeks has been insane. Seven hours of lectures a day, 8:30 to 5:30 ... it gets to you after a while. You'd think I'd be used to this treatment by now but sadly, that doesn't seem to be the case. Not that it's likely to change in the future, especially when I start working as a house officer (assuming I get to that stage, but hey I'm trying not to be pessimistic here). What can I say, I'm really looking forward to the long weekend. Pochama will be working over the long weekend unfortunately, but I have other things planned ^^. Nee-san is going to be in Rotorua over the weekend; I specifically decided not to go since I'll be there for locomotor soon anyway. Not that there's much for me to go back to down there, anyway. There are things about Rotorua I don't want to remember, and I reckon minimising my contact with that place will help me move on. No offense to friends and family I have who still live there. There isn't anything wrong with the place, its just that the memories of what life was before I came to Auckland hurts too much for me to bear. I don't want to dwell on those feelings, that's why I don't want to relive negative experiences that I can no longer do anything about. For the same reason, I feel hurt when I shouldn't when certain events of the past are brought up. I can't do anything but accept it as part of who I am, despite how much hate it brings up in me.

Pokemon themed party last Saturday was fun. It's scary to believe that there are people who exist in this country who are more crazy about pokemon than I am. It was a bittersweet occasion for me, in many respects. There's always unfulfilled wishes eating away at me and that night I felt them stronger than ever. As if the past can be changed. As if things would be different if I'd done things differently five or so years ago. As if I would be a different person from who I am now. I try to avoid it but avoidance only makes the feelings stronger the next time they're triggered. Perhaps I should seek counselling of some sort. I don't know why these regrets are so strong. I just wish I had the answers to why I feel this way, even though I know I can't change what's foregone. I've accepted that life isn't fair. I guess part of me still clings to ideals that would exist in a fair and just world, for some bizzare reason.

On Sunday I went with misty_angel26's gang to SnowPlanet; little mikorikawa came along too ^^. The day went by so fast, I couldn't believe we'd spent 9 hours at the venue, 7 of which were on the snow. I was surprised at how quickly mikorikawa picked up skiing, despite my crap teaching skills. I guess it goes to show that it's the student's effort and capability that determines success, and they deserve the credit for their achievements. I've been through 7 years of teaching at a rubbish school to realise that some teachers are so bad that you learn things faster without their "help". Having a good teacher makes life a lot easier, though, and I wish I was better at explaining things to people. Sunday was a great day, 'twas a shame my world came crashing down shortly after when I'd thought I'd lost my ipod there, so glad that it's safe. I don't know why I fret so much about small things like that, I shouldn't let it ruin my good mood so easily.

I've actually written this entry over the course of a few days since I couldn't find a single block of time to write all this in one go. I think the stuff in here isn't outdated already since nothing really much happens during campus learning week besides lectures. Oh, Pochama and I stuck cannulae in each other today, if that's anything to mention. Got one more day to go before the weekend, and I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel already. It's 11pm and getting late, I think I'll finish up here and hit the sack.

Euphoric Field

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Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Not a lot on my agenda at the moment. Had a quiet weekend spent mostly at home trying to study but getting distracted by Starcraft and anime. Somehow even when I have time on my hands like this it just seems that I'm no more productive than when I have things on. Perhaps the lack of formal assessment for Emergency Medicine has dulled my ambitions and I suppose having those exams and stuff are good in motivating me to keep on top of things. Not that I like exams, don't get me wrong.

Emergency Medicine's been really good so far. The shift work is quite light in that you're only assigned for 3 shifts a week (although some of those are at night) and people are generally quite nice (except one registrar which I won't get started on). Its really good to see acute cases since the majority of them are really unwell and you get to see the results of your treatments right away rather than sending them off with a prescription and telling them to come back in a week's time. Although being a medical student I kinda just try to stay out of the way most of the time, I do try to get involved as much as I can, even if it is just passing the lure plug to the nurse or holding down limbs in convulsing patients. It's good to feel useful, even if you're not really doing much. I find getting involved in things helps pass time faster than just standing around all the time. Emergency medicine does spark a bit of an interest in me. Although it is a fast paced environment and you would have a lot on your shoulders I find the whole hands-on nature of the specialty really appealing. I guess I find in ED I'm getting to do a lot more than all of my previous clinical attachments (especially psychiatry) and as a student its probably one of the best places to be to get some hands-on experience. Just feels great to finally be able to do stuff I guess, even though I don't consider myself a hugely practically oriented person.

University work aside, life's been pretty steady otherwise. Been hanging out a bit with Pochama and friends, and little mikorikawa too ^^. Pochama's been acting up recently and I'm getting a little concerned about him. Hopefully I'll see him tomorrow in ED, since his ambulance shift coincides with my hospital one. Looking forward to catching up with misty_angel26 hopefully sometime this week too, she owes me lunch >=). I can't say my social life is all that active at the moment, but with everyone being so busy with uni work and jobs I'm glad to even have one at all.

Just had a 40min chat with mum and dad so forgive me for losing my train of thought. Oh yeah, next weekend I have another 21st party to attend and also going skiing with some friends at SnowPlanet ^^. At least those are some things to look forward to. Progress on my hidden agenda seems to be going well so far, I'm hoping things improve by the time I have to go to Rotorua, otherwise outcomes will potentially be adversely affected. People say I have a lot of things going for me, I guess I doubt my abilities too much. I'm trying to take things slowly, because I have a feeling if I rush through things, the opportunity will be lost forever. But I think if I play my cards right, good things will start to happen, and I'm counting on it.

Oh, where has the evening gone, looks like its time for bed already T.T well guess I'll leave things here for tonight. I'm sure there was something else I wanted to mention here, guess it'll have to wait til next time.

Quiet days

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Sunday, May 22, 2011

Quite a lot has happened since I last posted. So much that in fact I'm not sure where I should start. Perhaps a brief word about Anaesthetics at Middlemore would be adequate. Anaesthetics is a pretty interesting specialty. My first impression of an anaesthetist was someone who puts the patient to sleep, goes to sleep him/herself, then wakes up to wake up the patient, rinse and repeat ad infinitum. And to the best of my knowledge it wasn't too far off. I've had anaethetists reading books and newspapers after intubating and drugging the patient while I awkwardly stood there wondering if I should interfere with their leisure time by pelting them with questions. I know I should be more pushy and just go for it but it's just not my style. Nowhere did I read that to do medicine you had to be pushy and annoying to others just trying to do their job and I certainly would have thought twice about doing medicine if that's what was required. Sometimes I wish that the teaching was even just a little more structured than what 4th year is. The hospital and the university have completely different agendas and you, the 4th year student, is stuck somewhere between them in a limbo where nobody really gives a damn about you. Here's my take on the whole situation:

The university wants you to perform procedures A, B and C, X number of times within 2 weeks. You need to do a 1,000 word case report, fill in your logbook, have twenty 1 on 1 tutorials with your clinical supervisor and do a night shift. It all sounds semi-reasonable, until you actually get to the hospital. That's when you realise that the so-called "supervisors" aren't really expecting students. They're only expecting patients. And sick ones. The hospital only really cares about treating patients and you're forced to work around that.

This may very well be your first time in a hospital, let alone an operating theatre. No protocols have been explained to you at all. You don't know your way around anywhere. If a fire broke out, you wouldn't know where to go or what to do. The only way you'd learn these things are the hard way. Getting lost. Pissing off the surgeon for getting to close to them while they were in sterile attire. Accidentally touching something you shouldn't have. The list goes on. Not to mention getting kicked out of operating theatres for simply being there and observing. Isn't this meant to be a teaching hospital? How am I supposed to learn anything if I'm constantly being pushed around and not told anything I should know to get the most out of my 2 week attachment? Sometimes I feel I spend most of my day simply trying not to get in the way of people and I reckon I'm going to be an expert at that by the end of the year.

But wait, what about all those procedures you have to do, those 20 1 on 1 tutorials with the consultants you're meant to be doing? You'd be lucky to have a go at even putting in 1 endotracheal tube or LMA in. They'll usually be happy for you to bag-mask ventilate for them because it requires almost no skill. And the patients will already have IV's in 'cos the HO's are putting them all in down in the surgery wards. Getting those tutorials is really a matter of chance. Some consultants are real nice and teach you everything, while some just ask you difficult questions and troll you when you get them wrong. Sometimes they can get real busy too which can't be helped I guess. In the end you have to get those boxes ticked and how you do it the university doesn't care. The hospital staff couldn't give a damn how many of those boxes you need to fill and so long as you don't get in their way. Theoretically, one could use this situation to their advantage by acquiring signatures and marks for things they haven't actually done. It would probably be the best way to keep both parties happy, but it isn't a risk I would be willing to take. Not to mention that you probably wouldn't learn anything either.

It annoys me to have to blog so negatively after almost 3 weeks of no posts but I guess its been bugging me a lot recently. On a more positive note, I've been to 2 birthday parties recently which have both been good, although one was certainly more enjoyable due to the presence of a certain individual ^^. Catching up with friends is always nice. I never was a fan of huge parties but simply having the right company with the right atmosphere makes a huge difference. I know life is only going to get busier from now so I'm going to make the most of the time I have now. Pochama has been helping me out a lot with things, too, and I'm really glad to have his help. I don't think I would've gotten this far without him.

Mum came up this weekend and we spent Mother's Day together with my sister. It's kinda annoying how I'm expected to drop all plans for the weekend when the parents visit, especially when you have, er, other agendas. I like to think myself as quite grateful for the things they do for me, but sometimes I think they forget that I have a life outside from them and that its quite important for me as well. I know they've done a lot for me, but the reality is that now I do a lot of things for myself and I feel that I deserve some freedom. I realise that they don't visit too often, so I make a lot of effort to spend as much time with them when they do come, because I know I'd feel guilty if I didn't. I guess I still haven't figured out what's really important to me in life. Studies? Family? Friends? Other agendas? Sometimes I think I'd have an easier time if I was more assertive of what I wanted out of life so that I wouldn't run into trouble with my conscience. Truth is, I'm quite happy with the way things are at the moment. Living each day for the sake of living, experiencing things old and new, having aspirations for the future but not losing sight of the things that have helped get me to where I am now. Yeah, sounds about right. That's how I roll.

Some people turn to religion for guidance; others meditate or read inspirational books. I blog. I should do more.

Resuscitated Hope

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Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Life's been good recently. Probably hanging out more than I should be but that's okay, I keep convincing myself I'll catch up on things during the Easter weekend but I'm not exactly sure if that's going to happen. Hopefully catch up on sleep. It's not like GP is assessed too formally anyway, but there is an annoying assignment I should probably make a start on. I'm aiming to do that at the very least, as well as try to revise some of the NZ guidelines for asthma, diabetes and stuff. Still wishing I had a holiday but 4 days off for the Easter is at least something.

Been cruising around town quite a bit with Pochama and friends after work which has been really fun. Having flexible hours means it's real tempting to take a half-day off to go hang in town but since I've been learning so much in GP its reduced the temptation somewhat, although its still there. Next week I won't have the TI around to teach me and whisper answers in my ear so the temptation to gaps will probably be even greater, but I really have to work on seeing patients alone so I'll have to make sure I don't find myself walking out the door at 1pm.

Internal conflicts aside, I've really enjoyed the time just hanging with Pochama. I don't often get the chance to talk about things so openly with others since many of my peers have different views on life from me. I dislike the egotistic side of human nature. Nobody's perfect, and I don't understand why some people try so goddamn hard to be. I admit my mistakes. I learn from them. I try not to make the same mistake again. I try hard to appreciate others' points of view because I know you can't see the world through a mirror. I don't criticize other people because I know people do what's good for them at that time and in that circumstance. I feel that some people find it hard to understand the way I see things and that's why I feel awkward in some social situations. Perhaps I should be more opinionated about things, but I hate getting into conflicts of interest. I think Pochama understands some of these things. Even though we're different in our own ways there seems to be a baseline that's common to us both.

I got called by mum in between writing the last paragraph and this one so I kinda lost my train of thought. Maybe things will come back to me later. It's getting late so I'll just leave things hanging here for now; time to shower and sleep.

Goin' On!

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Thursday, April 21, 2011

So I've been working at my General Practice attachment in Manurewa over the past three days, and its made me realise just how much I'd forgotten since 2nd and 3rd year. Essentially I feel I know absolutely nothing and I'm finding I have to look stuff up for every case and everything just seems so foreign even though I know at one stage I studied and learnt everything I had to. I guess the way you look at things in GP is which diseases fit this symptom, whereas in uni you learned disease processes which lead to symptoms, and it puts a whole new perspective on the way I learn things. Also the history taking is quite different from what we were learnt in uni and GPOPS and you won't get many points for empathising with the patient (although its still a good thing to do, but really it's a waste of time in my opinion to go over the top with it like we're taught) or doing a complete history since most of the background stuff is already in the patient's file. It seems that there's more of a focus on asking relevant questions to do with why the patient has come in today and formulating a differential from which you hone in on key questions you should be asking to exclude diagnoses and identify risks. I like that style better; going straight to the point. The whole "That must be very hard for you. Can I get you a tissue?" bullshit felt just too fake. Unfortunately those years of training to use a cushy-pillow-to-cry-on type of interview style seems to have dulled my ability to actually get the information I really need from the patient since there was very little focus on actually diagnosing patients who had real illnesses. I feel I just don't know the questions I should be asking and it just pisses me off since I feel like I should know these things. I duno, I guess I didn't study hard enough in those 2 years to actually remember anything. Guess it's back to square one for me, relearning 2 years worth of rote-learned material is gonna be annoying.

Apologies for the lack of structure and positivity in this post. I haven't been getting great sleep over the past few days for some reason. Probably going to bed too late, just feel real tired after clinic.

On the Front Line

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Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Its been a month since my last post here and I'm not sure where I'm supposed to start since I can't even remember what sort of things I wanted to say, if anything, about my life. That's the problem with stopping the posts for a month or so; I forget where I left off and I find it really hard to start them up again. Should really keep this thing going more often.

Anyway, if I remember correctly one of my last posts was about being unfamiliar with Hamilton and finding it difficult to adjust to the hospital environment and life at Hilda Ross. I can't say things had improved much since then during my time at Hamilton, unfortunately. To be honest, I found it goddamn depressing being away from Auckland and it was even worse than being stuck in Murupara since at least there I wasn't under the pressure of uni work. Especially since I hadn't had much of a chance to spend much time with friends during those very busy 2 weeks of campus teaching after being stuck in Murupara/Rotorua all summer. Guess I felt things had just gotten back to the way things should be when suddenly it was all taken away from me again. Even looking back at the photos I took of my room back at Hilda makes me depressed. 6 weeks was far too long. 2 weeks or shorter would have been fine, it was just after that 3rd week that things started to get real dreary and damn depressing. Spent lots of time watching anime, playing DS and wondering if I'd end up in the psychiatric ward myself. The kitchen situation didn't help either. I don't want to know how much money I spent on takeaway food over those 6 weeks but I simply refuse to cook with inadequate cooking facilities and in a questionable hygiene environment. Hell, eating out and stuff was one of the few things that kept me sane, along with my weekend trips to town to the net cafe, arcade and momotea by myself. Despite the whole depressing side of things the 6 weeks did go by surprisingly fast. I guess having the regular 8:30 to 3:30 clinics and 3:30-4:30pm tutorials was good in that I didn't have too much time to myself to dwell on things. I realise this was a lot more work than perhaps an Auckland outpatient student may have had but it wasn't like I had anything better to do in Hamilton anyway. Being in outpatient sucked when everyone else was having a blast in on the wards but you just gotta play with the cards you're dealt with since such things are often beyond your control. Part of this whole experience has, in a way motivated me to be a little more engaged in my studies and perhaps I should take this on board as a lesson that needs to be learned if I'm to be successful in my career.

It's been really good to be back in the big city again. I really didn't realise how much I missed Auckland til I had to spend those six weeks down in Hamilton. Makes me appreciate the things I have here a lot more, at least. Feels good to finally be able to cook a meal properly and not worry about people stealing my ingredients from the fridge or not washing the utensils and dishes properly. I really really love having a nice clean kitchen to work in, too. Good to finally be able to play Starcraft in the comfort of my home too, heh. I guess I'm just used to having everything being comfortable at home and I've become somewhat dependent on these things without me knowing. Guess you could say I'm a bit addicted to SC2 >.> been playing that a lot over the past week, probably more than I should be...

I've recently started hanging with the anime club gang at AUT and met some really awesome people. Sometimes I wish I had more time to just chill and hang but when you're stuck in uni for 8 hours a day at Tamaki campus (of all places =.=) it isn't so easy. I'm going to make a conscious effort to make time for myself to do those things this run so I can make the most of my time in Auckland. Apparently GP is fairly cruisy according to a few classmates I've spoken with but I was told the same things about psychiatry (and that wasn't really). The first week was fairly intensive although the teaching was really quite good. I feel that I'm going to enjoy GP a lot more than psychiatry if things are anything like the time I've spent at my dad's work in Murupara. One thing they made us do in the first week was a thing called GPOPS (General Practice Office Patient Simulations) where you're forced into the role of a GP where you're expected to take a history, examine the patient and develop a management plan for a number of different patient scenarios. Sounds straightforward enough til you realise you don't remember a thing from 2nd or 3rd year and you're struggling to reassure the patient you know your stuff, cos in reality you're just a humble 4th year forced into a role s/he's not ready for. I initially sucked and got lots of 2's (5 being the best) for my first patients although by the end of it I was consistently getting 4/5 which wasn't too bad. I guess pretending to know your shit is a skill in itself and you just gotta fake it til you make it. Not my style at all but if that's what's expected it's not like I can do much about it except go with what's expected, as you often have to do with things like that (med interviews spring to mind).

I recently was given my mum's old car to use to get around to my attachments and stuff this year and it's about goddamn time I've made use of my full driver's licence and parking spot downstairs. Mum was so reluctant to let me have a car and it took a lot of explaining to convince her to let me have one. Initially I wanted to split the cost with my sister and get one to share but mum wanted to give us her old car so she could get a new one. Mum's car is in pretty good shape considering how old it is, and it's clocked about 130,000km already so it's been fairly well-used but not too much. It's a Toyota Corona sedan (I think 2001 model or something), engine size 2.0L, auto. Might post up some pics later. It's good to finally be able to have a bit more mobility rather than being restricted to public transport which isn't terribly great (but better than Hamilton's by all means) so we can go cruising during the weekends and stuff. Gotta get used to the Auckland roads first, though.

Well I'm going to wrap things up here for now and I'll try and keep this updated. Thx for reading =)

Back in the big city

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Sunday, April 10, 2011

One of the fun things about being single is that you can have unrealistic expectations of your future partner/girlfriend and get away with it. And it’s all the better if you’re not interested in getting involved in a relationship at this point in time, since the probability of meeting such a person will be quite low if you place your expectations high enough. I know, laugh at my logic all you want, but I think it’s better to overshoot on the expectations rather than undershoot, especially since finding a girlfriend isn’t on the top of my priority list at the moment. I realise this entry is going to be seen as quite controversial and I’m bracing myself at this very moment for the flames and trolls I know that are coming, even if unspoken I know will still be there in the hearts of my readers. But the way I see it, everyone has their own taste and this entry should be by no means seen as offensive or disrespectful towards anybody at all, particularly my female audience. If anything, this entry should be seen as a reason why I don’t have a girlfriend at the moment, not that I’m trying to justify it or anything, but rather state that it’s not something I’m particularly interested in at the moment, hence the ridiculous expectations.

The reason why I keep this blog is because there are a lot of things on my mind that I find easier to clarify by typing them out rather than have them go around in circles in my head all day. I keep it open to the public because I realise that if I wanted to talk about these things with anyone it wouldn’t come out the same because I think quite differently when I’m around other people compared with when I’m in the comfort of my room by myself. I don’t think I’ve mentioned it here before but I feel when I’m around other people I need to have to process an extra layer of information regarding their non-verbal language like facial expression, posture and tone of speech, and respond appropriately to them. After this initial layer of processing I sometimes lose my train of thought and I just say the first thing that comes to my mind, which often isn’t the thing I wanted to say. Hence why I find social situations tiring but I do enjoy going out with friends very much. I don’t give a damn what the DSM-IV has to say about my way of thinking, just cuz the rest of the world thinks a certain way doesn’t mean that I have a mental illness. What if the rest of the world is just dumb? I could say everyone with IQ below 134 was mentally retarded, I mean, who’s setting the standard here?

Anyway back to the topic. I’ve recently developed a model of judging females for partner compatibility and it seemed there were four most vital characteristics that were absolutely essential. I’m going to see if I can write up some sort of scoring sheet for this, heh.


~Jeffrey's Type of Girl~

This scoring sheet consists of the following THREE sections:

Section One: Key Characteristics /60 (must pass)
Section Two: Racial Requirements /-- (must pass)
Section Three: Bonus Points /40

Total Score is out of 100.


SECTION ONE – KEY CHARACTERISTICS (60 marks – must pass)
Section one is a must-pass component. Failure to score at least 50% in EACH SECTION is an automatic FAIL. The four must-have characteristics are:

A) Commitment /15
My type of girl knows how to get things done. She diligently works towards her uni degree/does well at her job and does her share of chores in the household. She’s well organised and keeps to her dates and appointments. I can’t stand people who can’t get things done. I’d rather be single than be together with some lazy-ass, no matter how well she does in the other sections.

B) Easy-going/fun /15
I like a girl that can have some fun. I realise that I am a med student and that by definition restricts my ability to enjoy myself but that doesn’t mean that I don’t like to have fun. I want someone who I can just hang out with like I do with friends, maybe go to a bubble tea or arcade (I know, Asian of me ><), and just enjoy each other’s company. Similar interests do help in this area I suppose. I could never date someone who takes things too seriously. Sure, study and work are important but that doesn’t mean it has to dominate your life.

C) Personality /15
I want someone who can relate to me on the same level. Our opinions on everything don’t have to be the same but fundamentally we have similar priorities in life. I guess I haven’t really sorted out what I want in life so this expectation is a bit silly but when I do find out what I want, I would want someone who shared this vision.

D) Quiet type /15
This one might seem a bit like an odd one but for me it’s actually quite important. I can’t keep up with conversation for extended periods of time, nor can I handle loud places like bars or clubs. My type of girl would be quite happy to chill at the local library or café rather than go out to those loud places and get drunk. I also can’t stand people who don’t shut up. I don’t mind having talkative people as friends, but for a partner, it’s a definite NO.

SECTION ONE TOTAL: /60



SECTION TWO – RACIAL REQUIREMENTS (must pass)
Failure to meet the racial requirements results in automatic disqualification.

Asian /--
Must be at least half asian. No alternative.

SECTION TWO: PASS / FAIL



SECTION THREE – BONUS POINTS (40 marks)
The following traits are not mandatory, but you’ll receive bonus points for the following:

A) Looks /10
Heh, let’s be honest, looks don’t really matter but they’re always nice to have ^^; I like long hair, a nice smile, slender figure (but not anorexic), and cute characteristics in general. In terms of dress I’d rather have someone who was more on the casual side. Glasses are cute, too 8D

B) Similar interests /10
Having a girl who’s into the same stuff as me would be nice. Manga, anime, DDR, games, mah-jong, etc.

C) Vegetarian diet /5
Makes things easier in the kitchen.

D) University degree /5
Either studying towards one or has one already.

E) IQ = 100+ /5
Just so they can function around the same level as me. I don’t like dumb people, but I can put up with them.

F) Age /5
Preferably she’s the same age as me or slightly younger. I’m not sure if I’d be comfortable dating someone older than me *is slightly old-fashioned* xD

SECTION THREE TOTAL: /40


TOTAL SCORE /100%


SCORING
How did you go?

below 50% (FAIL): Would not consider dating
50-65% (PASS):
Would be mildly interested
65-80% (MERIT):
Would be interested
85%+ (DISTINCTION):
Would probably ask you out if I knew you and were single

Don’t ask me how the scoring works, it’s just an arbitrary number really. I wouldn’t expect anyone to score above 85% on this thing (assuming you scored this properly) but if they did I’d be quite interested in meeting such a person if they did =P Otherwise I hoped you found this entry at least slightly entertaining and worth the read, again apologies if I offended anyone in writing this.

My Type of Girl

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Saturday, March 5, 2011

Unfamiliar territory.

Unfamiliar people.

Uncertain where to go.

Uncertain what to do.

Uncertain what to expect.

Uncertain what’s expected of me.

Why I’m doing this I’m not even sure. Perhaps if I had considered my career options better I’d not be in this situation, but I’m not turning back now. I guess it’s normal to feel a bit disorientated on the first day of clinical attachments and I can only hope that things get better, ‘cause if they don’t, it’s going to be a long and dreary six weeks of hell. I don’t like unfamiliarity. I feel so powerless when I don’t know how things work or what systems are in place, and combined with the constant fear of getting lost I had a pretty rough day today. Added on are the simple tasks of everyday living that become so much harder simply because things are so much easier back home. I guess you could say I’m a guy who hates change, and it takes me time to settle into a new environment. Yeah, that’s just one thing I guess you could call my weakness. I just fall into a routine every day to the point I don’t have to think about anything, and when things change I suddenly have to think about the things that I previously took for granted and have to rethink things through. Such thought processes drain me mentally and I just feel so tired at the end of a day like this one. Especially since I just got to Hamilton yesterday and still haven’t figured everything out.

Today I was introduced to one of my consultants but I didn’t get to see any patients with him since he was busy for most of the morning. Fair enough, I suppose. But what made it worse was that my afternoon placement didn’t happen either since the team was out doing some training. I’m actually attached to two clinical teams, one community psych team that deals with patients in the community in (what I think is) an outpatient setting and in the afternoon I spend time with the Crisis Assessment Team that receives cases from the community and GP’s and deals with them on a case-by-case basis, referring or triaging them as they see fit. But hey, both of them had their things to do so I grabbed lunch in town (the community clinic is conveniently close to a nice vegetarian cafe I know), went back to the hospital and bugged some people on one of the pysch wards to ask them if any patients were being seen in the afternoon. Unfortunately I couldn’t find any patients to see there either (although one nice registrar showed me around, which was really awesome of him), so I just went home and hit the books. Oh yeah, I should mention, interspersed within the events of the day were numerous episodes of me getting lost in both the hospital and the clinic and once I was faced with the response “Will you buy me lunch if I do?” when asking for directions to my consultant’s office from one annoying lady =.= geez, some people really know who they can pick on. Just because I’m at the bottom of the food chain at the moment doesn’t mean you can give me shit, because I’m climbing up, and I’m going to get up there.

I sure hope tomorrow will be a better day. I want to fill in my logbook with cases as soon as I can and get all those goddamn boxes ticked so I won’t have to worry about them later when I’m stressing about CAT presentations and all those summative assessments that come at the end of the run. My consultant at the community clinic seems nice enough though, and he looked after me pretty well considering how busy he was today. I met the Crisis team briefly in the morning but they didn’t seem to know what to do with me since the consultant was away so I just pretty much sat there and watched. They were really busy, too. Seems as though there’s a shortage of psychiatrists (or just too many mad people, heh) and I’m not surprised the medical school is trying to bribe us med students with pizza lunches (we had one before starting our wards) to encourage us to specialise in their field. At least they had vegetarian pizzas there, so I’m not complaining.

I wonder what the easiest way to get internet access in my room would be. I’m considering getting a 3G Vodafone mobile broadband USB stick for my lappy so I don’t have to go to the commons every time I want to use the net. They close at like 5 which is kinda annoying since a lot of my internet use would be during the evening when I’m doing my research/surfing/msning so it would be really good if I could get it in my room. $79 for internet for 6 weeks seems a bit expensive but the USB stick might come in handy later in case I ever have to use it again. Just have to top it up I guess. Apart from having no internet my room is actually pretty nice for a free accommodation. I’m surprised the university have actually gone out of their way to provide us with a place like this since they normally don’t give us anything for free except our coursebooks and lab manuals at the beginning of the year. Normally it’s sort of like “we expect all med students to be at location xxx 15 minutes after class.” They will say “students are expected to organise their own transport to the venue” but in reality what they mean is this:

-“We expect you to either own a car or have your parents that can drive you.”
-“You won’t be able to use Auckland’s transport system because its shit and the place you need to be isn’t covered by the buses or trains anyway.”
-“If you have friends that can car pool with you but they’re only on their restricted we encourage you to break the law and make them take you anyway if that’s the only way you can get there.”

Meh, enough trolling for tonight, time to get some work done. Sayonara~

lol, I actually meant to post this 2 days ago but I realised the library and info commons close at 5 and I was out all day yesterday and too late to go down and post it on Thursday (I typed it on my laptop). The info commons are actually completely shut off during the weekend and I had a bit of an adventure this morning trying to find out where the after-hours entrance to the library was. I actually did go and buy a mobile broadbrand stick from the warehouse yesterday but the simcard that came with it was faulty =.= so I'm hoping to go back to them today to get that sorted out. Turns out that Facebook is blocked on the DHB computers (unsurprisingly) so I won't be on that until I get my mobile broadband up and running.

btw I thought I'd post some pics of my room at Hilda Ross House. Really good for free accommodation =D


Unfamiliarity

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Saturday, February 26, 2011

I don't know what some people have against the way I dress, act, or do things in life, and honestly I don't care. But when these people act on these things it really gets on my nerves, 'cause I'm not like that at all. I guess people who don't know me could easily pass me off as looking as your typical troublemaker who pops up in the news all the time and is generally on the wrong side of the law. And they sure as hell aren't afraid to act on these stereotypes. At least the checkout supervisor at Pak'n'Save at Mt Albert wasn't, anyway. Hell, getting pulled up for stealing stuff seriously goddamn offends me especially since they didn't have any solid evidence to prove such an outrageous claim. So I let them know I was offended, and made sure they realised I'm not a guy that does that shit. The first thing I did when they pulled me away from my friends and into the room full of pictures of people who'd stolen stuff was empty the contents of my pockets onto the table and was going to empty my bag as well but they told me to 'hold it' and 'don't go so quickly'. Hell I was pissed. If being accused of stealing wasn't enough, patronising me and trying to assure me that what they were doing was 'store policy' or some shit wasn't going to make things any better. So I let them interrogate me for a few minutes and apparently the lady had "THOUGHT" she had seen me slip some of those multivitamin things into my pocket when I hadn't even touched the things. Sure, I was near them with my friends for a while, (explaining to the others about how the pills actually killed you rather than helped you if you didn't need them) but they'd be hard pressed to find any evidence at all that I'd taken anything. In spite of this the manager dude asked the lady to get a bottle of what she'd thought I'd taken and she pretty much picked one up at random and gave it to him. I volunteered to let them search me but they politely declined, saying I should empty the contents of my belongings on my own. I guess that's to cover their ass in case I sue their faces for harrassment 'cause it's my word against theirs if I end up complaining to the authorities. Either that old bitch had goddamn lied or she had a mental condition which made her hallucinate (in which case I'd be more than happy to see her on my psych attachment and take a good, long history from her) but I'm thinking it's the former. I understand that thievery is quite a problem around stores like those and I respect their procedures for going about the issue, but pulling up innocents like me on mere suspicion is just wrong. If you have an issue with the way I dress, just say it to my face instead of accusing me of doing shit I'd never done. I'm sure the first thing they saw in me the second I walked into the store was a typical rebellious teen who does drugs and alcohol and is a general burden on society. Never mind that I'm studying to become a doctor and that I'll be most likely be practicing in New Zealand where there's a shortage of them cuz we're losing all our graduates to Aussie and other overseas places because New Zealand underpays their professional workforce. Never mind that when that lady grows old and retires that I'm the one going to be paying the government in taxes for her pensions and her expensive medical treatments later on. Why the hell would I go out of the way so much to get some tablets that are going to kill myself anyway? Stealing is harder than buying stuff (in New Zealand, anyway) and if I was going to steal something it would probably be something actually useful in some way, shape or form. Not that I would steal anything, but just saying. Anyway, enough of that. /BIG RANT

Annoying people aside, the past few days have been pretty fun, and it's because of days like those that I enjoy the lifestyle in Auckland so much. Even if the Lantern Festival was just a sea of people eating overpriced, oily, fattening foods and wasting money on similarly overpriced Chinese merchandise it was fun because it gave you an excuse to hang out with friends when otherwise you'd be stuck at home doing the things you were supposed to be doing (ie. study). Oh wait, I'm only seeing it that way because I've started uni already. Nevermind. But still, it was fun. Even if I was dragged away from my friends by a certain someone very early on *cough*.

I experienced the thrills of a laserstrike for the first time yesterday for Shaochen's 21st birthday gathering and I would definitely play again if I had the chance. Not that I'm any good at it, but I at least know how the game works so next time I don't completely suck. At least my score improved with successive games, which was a little encouraging (even if I was always last xD). Gets really tiring though, my legs still ache this morning from all that running around. Afterwards we had lunch at a cheap Chinese takeaway and went to his house to prepare for the evening barbecue at Cornwall Park. All in all, it was a great 21st gathering filled with good times, but was also kinda sad since it was probably the last time I would be seeing my med school friends for a long time. I sure hope I'll find some people who I can hang with in Hamilton, otherwise it's going to be a long six weeks.

I'm not sure how I'm going to spend this Sunday today. My parents were here last night and were going to some event in Auckland with Katherine so I've got the day pretty much free (hence why I've decided to blog this morning) although I'm probably meant to be doing some study of some sort. Weather outside looks alright so I might head off and wander town by myself for a bit after the laundry's done. Heh, just because I've started uni already doesn't mean I can't have a little time to myself now and then, right?

Not criminal, but decidedly suspicious.

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Sunday, February 20, 2011

So uni's started for me already and it's been depressing having to constantly tell people that you won't be free on x day because you have uni, then having to explain that 4th year med starts 3 weeks before everyone else. I wouldn't mind starting uni early if everyone else was in the same boat, but I guess that's just another case of "it's fine so long as everyone else has to suffer like me and I'm not alone" kind of thing and that's just not how life goes. Ranting aside, I did have an enjoyable last few days of holiday hanging out with friends, playing Starcraft and watching anime so it's not as though I haven't had time to do the things I like. It's just never enough sometimes, but I don't regret going back home because the work experience was great (not to mention the $ ^^;). Next summer I have plans to go overseas with my family so I don't think I'll be working again anyway. It's been a while since I've had a holiday overseas and something tells me I'll need it after finishing 4th year... >< This year's going to be a challenging one, and just one flick through the course info booklet was enough to tell me so.

The first week of uni started off with two jam-packed-crammed days full of rheumatology and locomotor stuff that's completely new to me and they go through the stuff so fast we're like halfway through the coursebook already. Fortunately I don't have my loco attachment til like June so I'll have time to get to grips with this stuff (hopefully). The rest of the 3 days were spent learning about the culturally appropriate management of Maori and Pacific Island patients =.=. It was like Maori Health Week all over again, although this time at least we didn't have to draw posters. But they still made us learn Te Reo. And go to a Marae 30 minutes out of the city in South Auckland where no buses go (fortunately I had transport). Not that I mind having an easy three days at uni but hearing all this talk about cultural sensitivity and how we should be aware of Maori's values and beliefs really annoys me when that's the only culture they care about when there are so many other cultures in New Zealand. Doesn't New Zealand pride itself in being a cultural diverse country? What about MY culture? If Maori are entitled to culturally appropriate management then shouldn't I be, as well? Not that I identify myself with any culture, anyway. When you look Chinese yet were brought up in a Westernised environment, have relatives in Indonesia yet don't speak Indonesian, have relatives in Canada yet speak with a strong Kiwi accent, it's not long before you feel that you don't belong anywhere at all, least of all, in your own country (which one is it, anyway?) and to be honest, nobody gives a damn because they think you're just another goddamn asian. Fortunately I can relate to asian culture (or at least what I think it is) relatively well and even though I don't use chopsticks perfectly, speak any asian language or play chinese chess, I'm still quite satisfied with being identified as an asian and I can live with that. I understand that culture is something that gives individuals resilience and being close to one's culture can give people greater ability to cope with the many of life's struggles and I believe that's an important part of being an individual. So what about the Maori? Well I do believe their culture should be acknowledged as part of their overall well-being but I just wish that other cultures were considered as well. If I had a Chinese name I'm sure I'd be just as insulted if someone doesn't even try and pronounce it as would a Maori person. I think cultural health should be taught as a whole and perhaps greater emphasis on the cultures most relevant to New Zealand. Yes, that does include Asians and if they want to benefit from all the dollars us Asians are bringing into the country through tourism and international student schemes then I believe they have a responsibility to treat us properly. Learning about other cultures is actually pretty interesting and it's really neat to see how others get around life and the reasons for doing the things the way they do. But when the sole focus is just on one culture it begins to get a bit one-sided and I just lose interest after a while. I hope I don't come across as racist or anything, I do appreciate that Maori are a population with high health needs and yes, they are entitled to quality health services but that doesn't mean I'm obliged to learn their language or anything like that.

Sigh, I hope I don't get in trouble for voicing my opinions so publicly but that's just how I've been feeling for the past three days. I guess the lack of having my own culture to relate to kind of attenuates my annoyance, having to learn so much about other people's cultures while barely having anything of the sort yourself kind of hurts after three days. I guess it's the same as I felt over the duration of Maori Health week two years ago, although back then having a solid self-identity as a person wasn't something I was too concerned about back then. Sometimes I wonder if I'm allowed to be proud to be Asian when I know so little about the way Asians do things compared to people who have been brought up in that sort of environment. It wasn't til I went up to Auckland that I had Asian friends who I could relate to on the same level (my parents were sort of Asian, but not really) and up til then most of my friends were from much different upbringings to mine. Not that I can't get along with people from different backgrounds, but it's just nice to have someone you can talk to on the same level as yourself and know that the things you say actually mean something to the other person. In essence, I think that cultural sensitivity is simply acknowledging that other people have reasons for doing the things the way they do. Even if you do things a little bit differently (and you probably think you're doing it better), I feel that respecting their way of doing things and acknowledging that it means something to them is all you need to communicate on the same level as someone with a different backgrouind than yours.

Culturally Insensitive

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Sunday, February 13, 2011

So here I am again, back in the big city. Although I regard Auckland as my home now I still feel as if it's missing something that I feel I should have for a place to be my home. Parents? More friends? More familiarity with the area? I don't know. It sure does feel a lot better than Rotorua though, despite my parents being there and my high school friends and the house I spent a large proportion of my earlier days in. Perhaps I'm expecting too much from this place when it's already given me everything it has to offer, and I'm taking everything I have for granted. Yeah ,that's probably the case. As it has been many times before.

So I ended up spending the past week including Auckland Anniversary weekend here with my parents and Nee-san (yeah don't give me weird looks for implying that four people stayed in a 2 bedroom apartment, because that's exactly what happens every time they visit). It's been a while since the four of us were together so we did spend quite a lot of time together which was nice, even if I wasn't able to spend as much time with friends as I could have. We went ice skating and bowling on Saturday and spent Sunday at Mission Bay. During the weekdays Nee-san had work so instead I spent the time sorting out my new computer which I ordered the first day I got back ^^;. Feels so nice playing SC2 lag-free on my Lutaria (yes, I gave my new comp a name. What? don't give me weird looks =.= I name all my stuff, live with it), it feels so much nicer doing things on a desktop rather than my chunky Luna (my toshiba satellite P200), the environment is so more customisable with the keyboard separate from the monitor and it clears my desk from cables that are now sitting tucked at the back of my box on the ground.

Here are the specs of my new machine:
LUTARIA
Intel Core i5-2500 CPU @ 3.30GHz (Sandy Bridge ftw =D)
Sapphire Radeon HD6850 1GB GDDR5 Graphics Card
Kingston 6GB 1600MHz C8 DDR3 HyperX Non-ECC CL8 (8-8-8-24)
Western Digital Black Edition 1TB 64M Cache 3.5" SATA3 HDD
Gigabyte P67A-UD3 LGA 1155 Motherboard
Cooler Master 650W Power Supply
Cooler Master Elite 430 Mid Tower ATX Case

I also scored a LG 20" LED monitor and a Microsoft Headset off my nee-san who was upgrading hers. Altogether my setup cost me about $1500 which seemed reasonable for a mid-range machine. I like to think of it as a late Christmas present for myself for all the work I did over the summer ^^. I still need to sell off the 500W power supply that came with the case on trademe.

So that's my week in Auckland in summary. I won't say any more about my time in Rotorua because there simply isn't much there to talk about. Recently I've just been staying home and taking it easy since my legs are still a bit sore from ice-skating. Yesterday I browsed the numerous anime and Japanese dramas I got from Masaya but haven't really gotten really into any of the series yet, although Kaze no Stigma seems pretty good. Perhaps I'll watch more of that today if nothing else interesting is happening today.

Back in Auckland (again)

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Tuesday, February 1, 2011

So it's been about a month since I've posted on here, and it seems my blog gets more attention when I -don't- post anything for a period of more than more than 2 weeks than when I'm say, blogging every few days. It's hard to tell how many people actually read this since I never hear anything about my blog both on the web or irl unless it's to ask "why haven't you been posting lately Jeffrey?" According to the stats tab I have approximately 30 followers but I don't entirely trust it since I often access my blog from multiple places and all that traffic could simply have been me checking to see if anybody's been leaving any comments and sometimes reading over my own posts again. I'm surprised at the unexpectedly large number of people who actually read this thing since I feel my life isn't particularly interesting, and less so with me being in Rotorua and all.

So what's happened in my life in the past month? Well if you must know I got the OK from my dad to put together a computer for him and I spent most of the Christmas break doing that. By that, I mean researching parts, searching TradeMe for them, and waiting for them to arrive while reading up on things I should know before assembling a computer. Annoyingly, I spent about a week running into various problems which sure as hell tested my patience. I initially was working with some old parts I was trying to salvage from dad's old pc but it turned out that there was very little I could actually use from it so ended up having to order new ones. The only thing I managed to reuse was his old IDE hard drive which the new motherboard still supported, which was good since it meant I could keep all dad's files. Initially I thought I'd be able to use the same case but I painfully discovered that it wasn't ATX format so I had to order a new one. In the meantime I thought I'd assemble the rig without a case just to see if all the parts worked, and they did, after many many attempts of reseating the graphics card which I suspected to be a bit faulty.

The big problem I ran into was when the case did arrive, and after putting all the parts in, realising the graphics card was playing up again. Thinking to reuse the same method to get the card to go again, I reseated the card a couple of times, and after a couple of tries a huge spark exploded in my face and I immediately realised I'd broken something. And yeah, I did. The CPU fan stopped going and the mobo was making high pitched beeps meaning the CPU was overheating so I turned it off quick. Defeated, I sent the rig into town to get it fixed - at a cost of $90/hr for labour I was lucky they managed to find out the problem (broken motherboard) within just an hour. They ordered in a new mobo and graphics card for me and got everything up and running as smoothly as it should have been had the graphics card not been faulty. Argh, bung graphics card ended up ruining my first computer building experience =( but some good lessons learned for my next computer building project which will be for myself when I get back to Auckland. Sure, getting set back $200 for something silly like that hurts (I had to pay for the parts I'd damaged, of course) but if you think about how much you'd spend for a computer that good - 2.67GHz x2 CPU, 2GB RAM, 512GB dedicated graphics RAM, 160MB HDD - being able to play Starcraft2 for that much isn't too bad. Of course, dad did pay for most of it but it's his computer anyway lol.

Work's been pretty steady with not too much happening but I've been kept quite busy which has been good. I think I've made a bad name for myself among a few of the patients here for missing their veins for venepuncture. There was this one guy who raged pretty bad at me for missing him twice but it's not my fault if his veins are crap. My hit ratio's gone up to around ~90% now so I'll only miss, say, 1 in 10 patients or maybe 2 max on a bad day.

Ah, dad wants to head home now, I'll continue on with this post tomorrow (no internet at the farmhouse T.T). Laptop's running outta battery too. Sigh, last day of work tomorrow. Can't wait to go back to Auckland next Tuesday.

One month later...

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Thursday, January 20, 2011

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Hi, I'm Jeff! Welcome to my blog, where I share random thoughts and things about my life. Enjoy :)