lunar.soliloquy

I don't know if I've overexerted myself or what, but somehow I managed to get myself sick right in the middle of exam time. Sure, I have been doing a lot of reading over the past few days but I don't recall losing sleep or being overly stressed about these exams. I duno, maybe it's just my body telling me to look after myself better. I admit, I have been eating out more since exams started but its not that I haven't done that before around this time of the semester. An hour of nap, an hour of procrastination and I think I can hit the last of the notes I have to cover before tomorrow. Ugh, I just hope my body won't give out on me, just need to hang in there for 3 more days...

Two to go. Yeah, that's right, I'm talking about god damn exams. I don't understand what making people memorise large amounts of useless information aims to achieve but I'm just going to play by the rules and be over with it. Who am I to question authority, anyway. It's just part of being a student.

I realise with all the study that's been happening I haven't really been posting much here but nothing's really been happening apart from that. I guess there was Armageddon so I suppose I could write a bit about that. Yeah, I did the unthinkable thing for a med student around exam time and actually took a day off to go out to that thing. I guess part of me wanted to rebel against the whole "omg exams are in a week and I need to keep my 8.3333 GPA" feeling I always get when I'm around other med students as well as wanting to see the cosplays, overpriced merchandise etc. but overall I can't say it was a day well spent, to be perfectly honest.

Being so crowded (as usual) with endless mobs of people was in itself enough to put me off from the event even though I sort of expected it since I'm really not comfortable with large numbers of people. I don't know what it is, I guess I just really like my space for some reason. Yeah, I know its a bit stupid but that's just how I feel. It's just really hard to go places with so many people around and if you want to go anywhere you're more often than not finding yourself pushing against the current and sometimes not going anywhere at all. And I guess the noise, too. Can't stand the noise, either.

And now I'm starting a new paragraph so this whole post doesn't look like a massive wall of text. Yeah, I'm really tired this evening so I can't really think straight and I'm pretty much typing my thoughts as they come to me. Yeah ok, back to ranting about armageddon. The selection of merchandise wasn't particularly good this year either. I only bought a pair of Rukia gloves and a FMA necklace, both which I could've probably gotten on TradeMe for the same price. They did have some nice swords, and sword umbrellas which were pretty cool but I was more looking for 'functional' stuff like stationery, t-shirts, posters, etc. which I didn't particularly find. Probably because I didn't look hard enough cuz of all the people. Oh well. I guess such things can't be helped. I do wish I could've gone to see the final cosplay show on Monday though, apparently it was really good. It sucks so bad how every year Armageddon is always neck in neck with exam period and the only was I can go to it is if I forfeit a day of study and I don't believe I should have to be stuck with that decision. The organisers should appreciate that many otaku are also students who actually want to have futures outside Xbox and Playstation and that as much as they love anime, manga, games and movies, they also want to have a career and a life.

Stupid stuff like that makes me feel that I'm getting too old for this anime/manga/gaming shizz. Sure, I love playing Magic: the gathering, my nintendo DS, Wii and Starcraft2 but when I go casually to an event like a casual MTG draft I find that the culture there is somewhat elitist it takes the fun out of doing those aforementioned things. Even playing SC2 online is like that. I guess it takes time to get good at those sorts of things and when you're a student with assignments to do and exams to prepare for you don't have that sort of luxury. Perhaps I ought to find different things to distract myself with. Should go back to reading books or something.

Ah well I guess such things can't be helped. I want to enjoy what's left of my student life (ie, not much) but at the same time I don't want to waste time doing things that won't get me anywhere in life. After 20 years I still haven't been in any sort of relationship and nor do I foresee myself being in one if I continue doing things the way I am. Not that I give a damn if there's no-one in this world for me. I admit, I'm not someone who anyone would ever want to be in a relationship with anyway, not the way I am at the moment. Perhaps when/if I become a doctor at least someone might be interested in me for the money LOL. Pretty sad, huh. Haha, now I know I'm really in a shit mood. Nah I usually try not to beat myself up too much about such things but sometimes I can't help it, especially after sitting an exam, being all tired and cbf doing anything. I really need to sleep. Duno why I wasted this evening trying to format my blog and realising how goddamn complicated XML is. I'll leave that to another day. For now I'll just use the default tools and skins, sigh...how generic.

Another week's passed since my last entry into this blog, and I don't really know what I should be saying here. I guess it's that time of semester when the days kind of meld together in a monotonous drag (not that my life is that interesting regardless), and you have those moments where you can't remember which day it is because it simply hasn't been important. I've been somewhat successful in holding off from the Starcraft over the past few days which has been good I suppose in terms of study (and sleep, believe it or not) although I still manage to distract myself with other things, ie. other games. Still not sure whether or not I'll have done enough study by Labour weekend to go to Armageddon with my friends and I guess that in itself is a nice motivational factor to get stuff done. I can't really think about what else I wanted to post here tonight so I think I'll just go back to the books.

So here I am procrastinating yet again. Despite assignments being out of the way there's always exam prep and I think I only have 3.5 weeks to go before my first exam. Not to mention OSCEs before that. Argh, what the hell am I doing? Sometimes things seem so complicated yet the answer is so simple: just go the hell and study. Guess I'm in one of those moods again. Sigh. And this is after 3 games of SC2 today (got into platinum league for 2v2 and 3v3 not that things like that matter), a trip to the supermarket (was a nice day for it) and an hour spent in the kitchen cooking up some tasty food. If that's not enough to put me in a studying mood then I don't know what is. Maybe I should go to the gym or something, not that I haven't done enough walking today already. Sooo anti-study at the moment. Btw the title of the post doesn't have anything to do with this post it's just a phrase that I picked off one of the songs i was listening to earlier.

So what the hell am I going to do now? I don't like to think that SC2ing the night away like a hopeless addict was an option I was considering but hell, that's the way it is. Part of me was semi-interested in that AUMSA writing competition but as you can tell I'm not feeling so creative either so that's out of the question. Sometimes I question whether medicine is the right career for me. Part of me feels that I don't have the personality to do it despite the fact that I could make the grades and UMAT and whatnot. The fact that I still find bloody games like SC2 so much fun worries me. Shouldn't the thought of all that goddamn money I'll make as a doctor excite and motivate me to study? Shouldn't the prospects of prestige and wealth drive me? Shouldn't I be looking forward to helping my future patients get the best out of life from what medicine has to offer? What the hell, if all I wanted was a stable-ish job why in the name of all good things did I have to go pick med? I guess I don't give a damn about some things that I should be. What do I want in life, what am I prepared to do to get those things. I spent all my life avoiding questions such as these but I'm thinking they're catching up to me and catching up fast. Guess I spent more time in virtual worlds during my youth than I should have. Ah well, what can you do. I don't want to have to live through these regrets again, so I guess that in itself should be motivation to study. Damn you video games, why do you have to be so much fun...