Just experimenting with some formatting while I procrastinate for my 305 test tomorrow. Just realised that this test is worth 30% towards the final grade yet I'm still wasting time like this. Go figure.
/procrastination
August 2010
A lot of things on my mind at the moment. Perhaps I've been going out more than I should be recently and life seems to have caught up to me in a big way. That way being my parents. Well, more like my Mum. I know blogger probably isn't the place to discuss family affairs but I gotta say that I really screwed up the whole balancing thing between friends/family/uni during the past few days. I know I can't just blame the fact that I live away from home as an excuse since I'm still largely dependent on my parents by staying in this apartment and that in itself is a cause to go out of my way for them. And that's not to mention that they raised me since I was a zygote (or its precedent components, even). I guess I misjudged my investment in that department, so to speak.
Family matters aside, life has been generally meh over the past few days. 8am starts slowly chipping away at my sleep, ward and labs being a drain as usual and Starcraft 2 eating up set-aside study time. I probably shouldn't be so easily influenced by certain unemployed members of my household who have too much time on their hands but SC2 is so damn addictive it's not uncommon to find yourself at the end of a day and wonder where past three hours went when you thought you promised yourself that you wouldn't touch the thing after feeling so guilty from the last nights that vanished without a trace of work being done.
Saw Scott Pilgrim movie yesterday and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone who needs a consistent and coherent storyline to satisfy them. Not that the story sucked but it just didn't make a lot of sense and I guess my tolerance for randomness is a bit low for me to like that kind of thing. Yeah, I know it was meant to be cheesy and stuff and I kinda walked in without realising it. It wasn't terrible, by any means. I've seen far, far, worse. They had a pretty neat thing going on there though with the video game references, there was room there to develop that a whole lot more but I guess they would have to spend a crapload on licencing and whatnot. Wonder how much they paid Nintendo to use that Zelda "you just unlocked a door/chest/solved a puzzle/finally solved whatever was stopping you from advancing the storyline after spending 3 hours on the damn thing and angrily resorting to the internet to continue playing the goddamn game you spent $90 on" tingle that brings back terrible memories for noob zelda players such as myself. Ah well, maybe some other director can pick up on it. I certainly see a lot of potential in a game-style movie. College Saga ftw =D
It's 10:50pm and the reason why I'm awake at this moment is due to the fact that I don't have a cursed 8am start tomorrow in which case I would be in bed by 10. Light day tomorrow, hopefully get some work done for that test on Monday. Looking forward to seeing the med revue tomorrow as well, hopefully nobody who saw it tonight will spoil it by then.
Sleepy time ^^
Thx for reading~
--
It's been just over a week since my last post and a lot has happened since then. It's not that my life is usually this eventful but it just so happens that 3 people were celebrating their birthdays, two of which were 21sts and one of which was my own birthday. Ward round on Wednesday was another eventful afternoon as usual and MTG draft after that was fun, although we did lose quite badly.
I'm not sure what to make of my experience at Showgirls on Thursday night. Part of me was curious as to wonder what actually goes on in there but at the same time I really didn't want to find out, because I reckon that there are some things in life are best left to the imagination. However, the opportunity was there, and I felt I would regret it if i let that that opportunity go like the so many other ones foregone that won't come again. I can't say I didn't enjoy the company of the people there; friends, acquaintances and a number of new faces - but sometimes I get pretty frustrated by the antisocial-ness of the whole bar/club atmosphere where you can barely hear yourself think yet alone meet and get to know new people without having to shout over top of everything. It does seem somehow counterintuitive to me that such a social atmosphere should have this barrier to natural communication. I know it's partly my fault for having a soft voice and sometimes mispronounce words but I don't like raising my voice since I feel I lose the emotion in my words when I have to shout all the time. Yeah, bars and clubs aren't really my scene. Hulucat ftw ^^
The stripclub atmosphere I guess isn't too different from a conventional bar, except perhaps for the addition of a couple of poles and things on the ceiling and a slightly different layout (we were in a private room so that would have made things different...or are there even non-private rooms? o.o). The suggestive provocative dances were nothing I hadn't seen before (they have them at revues as well as even some high school performances), except perhaps they were wearing slightly less than usual and exaggerated the moves a little more. I won't give an account of the lap dances the guys received but all I can say is that though some people enjoy them it's not everyone's cup of tea. I think it depends a lot on your attitude towards certain...things. I'm not usually so opinionated about things but for me it isn't something I would feel comfortable with no matter what the circumstance. I can't really put into words what exactly it is but for now that's the way things are.
My birthday happened to be on Friday the 13th this year and the weather held its promise to that, although some hail or thunder would have added nicely to the atmosphere. It had been so long since I'd celebrated my birthday in that way that I wondered why I'd never done anything for it for so long. Perhaps it was due to lack of motivation for organising such an event since I guess the last time I did anything for it was with my parents who used to do everything for me. Getting stuff together is surprisingly simple if you plan ahead with these things and I'm so glad everything went alright, being Friday the 13th and all. I suppose the only real misfortune was that I only managed to blow out 15 of the 20 birthday candles, does that give my wish only a 75% chance of coming true?
Reading over the birthday messages from my friends again I feel truly touched to be have such amazing people in my life. Perhaps I've only come to realise how much these people mean to me that it brings tears to my eyes to think that three years ago I had believed that there was no-one out there who I could truly relate to me in a way that I would ever understand what having a real friend was like. I wasn't told to make friends in high school or to be interested in anyone except myself. I wasn't told the importance of being able to communicate, share ideas and connect to people. All i was told was not to get into the wrong crowd, shut up in class, do my homework and practice my piano. And I listened to them. And that was all I did. I guess I just didn't want to disappoint anyone, and I don't think I did. Even though the vast majority of my peers didn't do things my way. Over the years I began to look down on them. Even my sister was always the more rebellious one at home, and I looked down on her as well. It was as if I was serving some higher purpose by listening to just doing what I was told even though nobody else ever did. I don't know why I thought those things back then. Perhaps it was my own futile way of trying to find a purpose in life when having nothing to hold onto but your own misguided compass of what you think is right.
I won't dwell on those past mistakes. I don't care if I lost my teenage years to books and video games and every other antisocial activity you can think of because it simply doesn't matter anymore. Even video games can teach you things, like "The World Ends With You" and what the world is to you is simply what you make of it. Nothing can change your world except you, and for your world to change, you have to start by making the change within yourself. They say the only thing that's constant in this world is change, and I've just begun to accept this as part of my world.
Gah, all this emotion's driving me all philosophical. Perhaps I'd better occupy myself with something. I think I'll head into town to pick up a case for my shiny new iPod. Yeah, I'm really going to cherish this gift.
--
We were learning about vital signs today. Yeah, pulse, O2 sats, ventilation rate, and, of course, BLOOD PRESSURE @@! Why oh why do I suck so bad at taking blood pressures ><. I thought I'd practiced it time and time again on my mum back in Rotorua with dad's equipment but I guess I forgot that I'd have to deal with patients with flabby/fatty arms where finding pulses is a nightmare (particularly when you're doing it in front of a registrar and 3 of your peers). Lucklily for me my registrar was very patient and she took me around to a few other patients to take their pressures after failing so bad on the first ones, and eventually I got it right (on a skinny old lady whose diastolic didn't seem to want to fade away). I guess its not so bad being the geriatric ward, since if I'm to make a goddamn fool of myself its better to do so as a third year than a 4th/5th year/TI...if I can take a BP off those seniors then I'm pretty sure I can take one off anyone in the future (or at least I hope).
Other than epically failing at taking BP's I guess the rest of the ward was pretty good. Again, I was lucky with my patient and got someone pretty nice. T'is a pity we still have to do stuff in pairs since I kinda want to try a history by myself although it's sometimes good to see how other people phrase their questions and stuff. I think my partner today has had quite a bit of clinical experience in the past so it was good to see how he went about things when we saw our patient. I hope next time I'll get to try one on my own, though.
Went and saw Toy Story 3 yesterday with some friends. It was my first time seeing a movie in IMAX theatre so it was quite an experience. The Night and Day short film was a little too random for my liking, though. The whole thing just seemed to be one of those things animators do to show off how cool they are at doing random stuff people don't normally (or want to) see. Toy Story 3 itself was pretty entertaining (well, as far as Pixar Disney movies go) with lots of amusing moments and a good take home message as well. Overall it was quite a bargain, for only costing $10 and being all 3D and IMAX. Much better than Knight and Day at any rate. That one seemed to me to be the stereotypical fast-paced action movie abundant with "people in fast cars with guns shooting at each other on the motorway" scenes with the recurring "helpless female caught up in some big nasty plot for world domination who the protagonist inevitably falls in love with" theme so common in these types of films. Even Transformers was better, cuz the robots were at least kind of cool. I don't mean to be a film critic (I hate people who sit around all day long criticizing things) but sometimes I just wonder if the people making all these films have run out of ideas or something. Perhaps I should INCEPT some new ones into their minds >=D /badjoke =.=
Inception was amazing (although I was kinda wtf for the first 30mins) and it certainly puts an interesting twist on the way one can perceive reality. How can one distinguish between a dream and reality? Even if you do have one of them 'totem' thingies how can you be certain the world you made the totem in wasn't just another dream? Ah @@ my head. I'd like to try out one of those dream terminal/cafe places though. They seem like fun ^^
So what else is there. Nothing much really. Got my Critical Literature Review topic approved today (yay for stem cells). Still haven't decided on what to do about hospitals yet. Thinking of swapping groups with someone actually. Hm, need to get onto that one. Stuff seems to be breaking rather frequently this week. First my glasses nosepiece broke (still needs fixing, argh) then my watch (just before my wards too =.= how convenient...) and my DS failed to wake me up 2 mornings in a row (missed 8am start yesterday ><) so I think something may be wrong there. Sigh, so annoying. Should really be getting down to some work tonight. I think I've ranted enough for one evening.
Sayonara~
I try not to think about it too much, but occassionally it comes up and throws me into mental disarray. Anyone reading this who went to my school back in Rotorua would know what I'm talking about. If I could change one thing about the past, I honestly don't know what it would be. Would it be my surroundings, like the school I went to, the people I met along the way, or would it be myself, my attitudes towards people and the way I handled situations? Everyone I've talked to about this seems to think that my anti-social tendencies somehow protected me from entering a world that I knew I did not want to enter, acquiring attitudes that would conflict with everything I had been brought up with and set me on a course of life much different to the one I am on now. No offense to any Rotorua friends reading this, but I do somehow feel that if I had integrated myself more into the social networks at my school I would be in a very different place in life from where I am now. Of course, it's not like I couldn't have still gotten to where I am without being a social hermit, but being the frail-minded weak spirited person I am it wouldn't have taken much to set me off course.
When I look back to those days I'm not sure what it was that caused me to isolate me from everyone during my high school days. Whether it was me just me being stuck up or arrogant seems a bit harsh on myself, since I don't like to take myself upon those traits, but who am I to say. Shyness? Sure, but for 7 years? I don't think so. What about psychiatric disorders? Asperger's Syndrome? No, I ruled that one out last semester for my humanities assignment (although the prospect of flagging this all as a disease process seemed devillishly appealing at the time). I honestly don't know what it was. Maybe some shyness. Maybe some arrogance, just for having slightly above average IQ and being able to do well in tests with minimal study. Perhaps relating to people with such vast differences in upbringing, lifestyle and values proved too difficult to stimulate my interest in others. Maybe I just accepted the fact that I was different from everyone else and lived in my own little world. Part of me wants to believe that it's hard to relate to people who don't understand what it means to have Asian parents but now that I look back they weren't really that strict in the scope of what I've been hearing in Auckland. I don't know what was, I guess back then I simply wasn't interested in people. I wish I knew why.
Even when I look back to my first years of university where the people I've met have generally had similar interests and values to me somehow it seemed like there was still a problem. I guess lack of social networking experience left any attempts of making social connections to people utter failures, and navigation through many strong, existing social networks has proved difficult. The workload of university also presented itself as a problem for someone not used to studying to achieve good grades, combined with the lack of any real ambition or motivation. Why the hell I decided to study medicine is still beyond me. Parents didn't push (despite being asian) and I haven't really been inspired by any doctors even though my dad happens to be one. As a result of having a doctor in the family I never had the opportunity of experiencing a GP consultation so never knew what doctors actually did. I just kinda knew it was a stable-ish job and I got merits in science. So off I went to biomed thinking that I'd just transfer over to med in 2nd year and all would be s'well. Not so. Went into a full mental meltdown in the weeks prior to the med interview and had to do a ton of research and think a lot of crap over. I'll save that story for another time.
So anyway, here I am in 3rd year med not knowing quite how I got here or where I'll end up after (if) I graduate. Still feel a bit out of place among my peers for not being ambitious enough or wanting to get A+ in all my papers but I stopped caring about that long ago. I don't care what kind of person everyone expects me to be for being a med student but I know that if I change who I am now, it would mean that all those years spent in isolation during high school would have been meaningless. I just want to be me. I'll do things my way, my style. Even if I have to walk alone. Fortunately for me, I don't have to. There are people who do accept me for who I am, and I'm very grateful to those people for being in my life. I think you know who you are.
Geez, I've given this entry far too much of my time this evening. It's so easy for me to get carried away in my train of thought sometimes, it's hard to stop the thoughts coming once things get going. Better turn in for the 8am start tomorrow morning, gotta get back to reality. If you've made it this far, you deserve a cookie for tanking through all this text.
/stream of consciousness (or whatever else you wanna call it)
So, another weekend gone. 'tis a shame I spent half of it fighting off the flu, wish I had gotten more work done. But I guess there's no way of knowing whether I would have actually used that day for work had I been well, so I'll just bask in blissful ignorance and blame my sickness for my lack of productiveness.
Seem to be feeling a bit better today and I'm hoping I'll survive the 8 o'clock start tomorrow. By the looks of things tomorrow I'll finish early so it'll give me a chance to catch up on notes and write up that patient history for Wednesday. Probably a good idea to start doing some stuff on that medical assessment project too. Things have been moving so slowly since last Tuesday when I woke up with a sore throat, hopefully things will pick up again and stuff will actually get done this week. I guess a good way to start is by getting a good sleep. To hell with the "cut down computer use before bed time" advice, I'm definitely going to get a good sleep tonight.
Nite~
About Me
- Lunatarius
- Hi, I'm Jeff! Welcome to my blog, where I share random thoughts and things about my life. Enjoy :)