lunar.soliloquy

Quite a lot has happened since I last posted. So much that in fact I'm not sure where I should start. Perhaps a brief word about Anaesthetics at Middlemore would be adequate. Anaesthetics is a pretty interesting specialty. My first impression of an anaesthetist was someone who puts the patient to sleep, goes to sleep him/herself, then wakes up to wake up the patient, rinse and repeat ad infinitum. And to the best of my knowledge it wasn't too far off. I've had anaethetists reading books and newspapers after intubating and drugging the patient while I awkwardly stood there wondering if I should interfere with their leisure time by pelting them with questions. I know I should be more pushy and just go for it but it's just not my style. Nowhere did I read that to do medicine you had to be pushy and annoying to others just trying to do their job and I certainly would have thought twice about doing medicine if that's what was required. Sometimes I wish that the teaching was even just a little more structured than what 4th year is. The hospital and the university have completely different agendas and you, the 4th year student, is stuck somewhere between them in a limbo where nobody really gives a damn about you. Here's my take on the whole situation:

The university wants you to perform procedures A, B and C, X number of times within 2 weeks. You need to do a 1,000 word case report, fill in your logbook, have twenty 1 on 1 tutorials with your clinical supervisor and do a night shift. It all sounds semi-reasonable, until you actually get to the hospital. That's when you realise that the so-called "supervisors" aren't really expecting students. They're only expecting patients. And sick ones. The hospital only really cares about treating patients and you're forced to work around that.

This may very well be your first time in a hospital, let alone an operating theatre. No protocols have been explained to you at all. You don't know your way around anywhere. If a fire broke out, you wouldn't know where to go or what to do. The only way you'd learn these things are the hard way. Getting lost. Pissing off the surgeon for getting to close to them while they were in sterile attire. Accidentally touching something you shouldn't have. The list goes on. Not to mention getting kicked out of operating theatres for simply being there and observing. Isn't this meant to be a teaching hospital? How am I supposed to learn anything if I'm constantly being pushed around and not told anything I should know to get the most out of my 2 week attachment? Sometimes I feel I spend most of my day simply trying not to get in the way of people and I reckon I'm going to be an expert at that by the end of the year.

But wait, what about all those procedures you have to do, those 20 1 on 1 tutorials with the consultants you're meant to be doing? You'd be lucky to have a go at even putting in 1 endotracheal tube or LMA in. They'll usually be happy for you to bag-mask ventilate for them because it requires almost no skill. And the patients will already have IV's in 'cos the HO's are putting them all in down in the surgery wards. Getting those tutorials is really a matter of chance. Some consultants are real nice and teach you everything, while some just ask you difficult questions and troll you when you get them wrong. Sometimes they can get real busy too which can't be helped I guess. In the end you have to get those boxes ticked and how you do it the university doesn't care. The hospital staff couldn't give a damn how many of those boxes you need to fill and so long as you don't get in their way. Theoretically, one could use this situation to their advantage by acquiring signatures and marks for things they haven't actually done. It would probably be the best way to keep both parties happy, but it isn't a risk I would be willing to take. Not to mention that you probably wouldn't learn anything either.

It annoys me to have to blog so negatively after almost 3 weeks of no posts but I guess its been bugging me a lot recently. On a more positive note, I've been to 2 birthday parties recently which have both been good, although one was certainly more enjoyable due to the presence of a certain individual ^^. Catching up with friends is always nice. I never was a fan of huge parties but simply having the right company with the right atmosphere makes a huge difference. I know life is only going to get busier from now so I'm going to make the most of the time I have now. Pochama has been helping me out a lot with things, too, and I'm really glad to have his help. I don't think I would've gotten this far without him.

Mum came up this weekend and we spent Mother's Day together with my sister. It's kinda annoying how I'm expected to drop all plans for the weekend when the parents visit, especially when you have, er, other agendas. I like to think myself as quite grateful for the things they do for me, but sometimes I think they forget that I have a life outside from them and that its quite important for me as well. I know they've done a lot for me, but the reality is that now I do a lot of things for myself and I feel that I deserve some freedom. I realise that they don't visit too often, so I make a lot of effort to spend as much time with them when they do come, because I know I'd feel guilty if I didn't. I guess I still haven't figured out what's really important to me in life. Studies? Family? Friends? Other agendas? Sometimes I think I'd have an easier time if I was more assertive of what I wanted out of life so that I wouldn't run into trouble with my conscience. Truth is, I'm quite happy with the way things are at the moment. Living each day for the sake of living, experiencing things old and new, having aspirations for the future but not losing sight of the things that have helped get me to where I am now. Yeah, sounds about right. That's how I roll.

Some people turn to religion for guidance; others meditate or read inspirational books. I blog. I should do more.