lunar.soliloquy

Life's been pretty much as usual for the past few weeks. I don't really see much point in going into much specifics since it would probably bore non-medical people reading this. Endocrinology has been quite a nice run and the relatively few assessments and largely clinic-based work is quite different from my previous 2 runs (Paeds and O & G). As a result I've probably become a bit lax with my discipline (enough to purchase Diablo 3) but I don't plan on become addicted to it any time soon. After the trauma of those last 2 runs I don't believe I have the luxury of indulging in too much leisure this year, unfortunately.

I guess the main thing that inspired me to write this post was the growing sense of detachment and indifference to a lot of things that have been happening in my life. I'm not sure how I can explain this but I'll try my best. I feel that in the past I've been quite attached to things. All sorts of things. Material things. Routine. People's perception of me, to some extent. Somehow I find these attachments would restrain me from achieving what I want to in life. I don't have much ambition in terms of what I want to achieve in this lifetime. Sure, I do want a stable job doing something that will keep me busy enough to not get bored, and medicine offered it. I'm sure there are many other career pathways that result in the same outcome but I happened to choose probably one of the more difficult ones (considering my largely non-academic background in relation to other students). I don't regret it, since challenges make one grow.

Until I really accepted medicine as part of me I don't think I really did ever go out of my comfort zone to do things. There really would be no point, and any logical person wouldn't put themselves in unnecessary trouble unless it was for a good reason. But I think if there's really something you strive for, something you'd dedicate your heart to, something powerful enough to define you as a person, I don't think you'd really have a reason to let these small attachments to hold you back. That is, if your desire is strong enough. People who are too attached to their pride won't achieve their ambitions because their pride is their ambition; their self-image has become their main focus in life and everything else comes secondary. And I don't believe simply looking good to other people is a worthy aspiration in life, but that's just my biased way of thinking.

If you think I'm spouting out baseless nonsense I do believe I can relate to these experiences, even on a superficial level. I don't know how many times I have to admit to a consultant that I haven't a clue to how to approach a problem and they've reprimanded my lack of knowledge resulting in emotional hurt and damage to my self-esteem. I don't consider myself a particularly emotional person but I nonetheless feel these things quite strongly. This type of circumstance recurs pretty much every day, week after week because there's always going to be something I didn't know, something that I was too afraid to ask, something that I felt I should have known. But I feel medicine has helped me overcome my previous attachment to my self-image by repeatedly exposing me to situations where I had to constantly overcome it to survive the day. Now, I suppose I feel quite detached to these feelings and if that situation comes up, the response is logical rather than emotional. Where did I go wrong? Should I really have known the answer to that question? Or are the consultants just dicks asking me registrar level questions? Okay, so I maybe I'll do some reading on it tonight and revise the case again. I believe that life really isn't that difficult if one approaches things in a logical manner, so long as you have your goal in mind. The problem is, not everyone can readily suppress their emotions as easily as some.

The same principle applies to other things in life. Lost your iPhone? Learn to be more careful next time and maybe fork out and buy another one if it really meant a lot to you. Failed a major assessment and can't pass the year? Simply repeat the year and work harder. Afraid that people might judge you because you failed? Well if you're going to let other people's judgement get in the way of your goal, it really does say a lot about you. People are going to judge you no matter what, so it's up to you how authentic you want to be to others. You're the only one who has to live with the real YOU. You can't blame anybody else for the way you are but YOU. It took me a long time to realise these things, despite my mother telling me them a long time ago when I had very little self-esteem and communication skills. I used to blame things and people in my environment and always played the victim because I failed to take control of my life. I never really had any goal back then. It wasn't until I really logically evaluated myself in the context of the wider environment (probably being Auckland, lol) that I realised what I was lacking, and what I desired. It was then that I managed to break away from those chains.

I don't usually post this sort of internal emotional thought processing publicly but I suppose I've been feeling quite this way inclined in recent days. This growing sense of not really caring about these little things, focusing on the light at the end of the tunnel, building that mental resilience. Not letting my environment control me because I'm not going to let it. It's a pretty damn stubborn way of thinking, really. It just works for me.