lunar.soliloquy

I'm not sure what to make of my experience at Showgirls on Thursday night. Part of me was curious as to wonder what actually goes on in there but at the same time I really didn't want to find out, because I reckon that there are some things in life are best left to the imagination. However, the opportunity was there, and I felt I would regret it if i let that that opportunity go like the so many other ones foregone that won't come again. I can't say I didn't enjoy the company of the people there; friends, acquaintances and a number of new faces - but sometimes I get pretty frustrated by the antisocial-ness of the whole bar/club atmosphere where you can barely hear yourself think yet alone meet and get to know new people without having to shout over top of everything. It does seem somehow counterintuitive to me that such a social atmosphere should have this barrier to natural communication. I know it's partly my fault for having a soft voice and sometimes mispronounce words but I don't like raising my voice since I feel I lose the emotion in my words when I have to shout all the time. Yeah, bars and clubs aren't really my scene. Hulucat ftw ^^

The stripclub atmosphere I guess isn't too different from a conventional bar, except perhaps for the addition of a couple of poles and things on the ceiling and a slightly different layout (we were in a private room so that would have made things different...or are there even non-private rooms? o.o). The suggestive provocative dances were nothing I hadn't seen before (they have them at revues as well as even some high school performances), except perhaps they were wearing slightly less than usual and exaggerated the moves a little more. I won't give an account of the lap dances the guys received but all I can say is that though some people enjoy them it's not everyone's cup of tea. I think it depends a lot on your attitude towards certain...things. I'm not usually so opinionated about things but for me it isn't something I would feel comfortable with no matter what the circumstance. I can't really put into words what exactly it is but for now that's the way things are.

My birthday happened to be on Friday the 13th this year and the weather held its promise to that, although some hail or thunder would have added nicely to the atmosphere. It had been so long since I'd celebrated my birthday in that way that I wondered why I'd never done anything for it for so long. Perhaps it was due to lack of motivation for organising such an event since I guess the last time I did anything for it was with my parents who used to do everything for me. Getting stuff together is surprisingly simple if you plan ahead with these things and I'm so glad everything went alright, being Friday the 13th and all. I suppose the only real misfortune was that I only managed to blow out 15 of the 20 birthday candles, does that give my wish only a 75% chance of coming true?

Reading over the birthday messages from my friends again I feel truly touched to be have such amazing people in my life. Perhaps I've only come to realise how much these people mean to me that it brings tears to my eyes to think that three years ago I had believed that there was no-one out there who I could truly relate to me in a way that I would ever understand what having a real friend was like. I wasn't told to make friends in high school or to be interested in anyone except myself. I wasn't told the importance of being able to communicate, share ideas and connect to people. All i was told was not to get into the wrong crowd, shut up in class, do my homework and practice my piano. And I listened to them. And that was all I did. I guess I just didn't want to disappoint anyone, and I don't think I did. Even though the vast majority of my peers didn't do things my way. Over the years I began to look down on them. Even my sister was always the more rebellious one at home, and I looked down on her as well. It was as if I was serving some higher purpose by listening to just doing what I was told even though nobody else ever did. I don't know why I thought those things back then. Perhaps it was my own futile way of trying to find a purpose in life when having nothing to hold onto but your own misguided compass of what you think is right.

I won't dwell on those past mistakes. I don't care if I lost my teenage years to books and video games and every other antisocial activity you can think of because it simply doesn't matter anymore. Even video games can teach you things, like "The World Ends With You" and what the world is to you is simply what you make of it. Nothing can change your world except you, and for your world to change, you have to start by making the change within yourself. They say the only thing that's constant in this world is change, and I've just begun to accept this as part of my world.

Gah, all this emotion's driving me all philosophical. Perhaps I'd better occupy myself with something. I think I'll head into town to pick up a case for my shiny new iPod. Yeah, I'm really going to cherish this gift.

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