And here's yet another post after a long long hiatus from blogger =[ I really should just be honest with myself and make this like a monthly thing since every time I find the time and motivation to start up again it really never lasts very long. I don't even remember what my last post was on here since I couldn't be bothered looking back cuz the internet is so damn slow today thanks to Kat downloading Diablo 3 (since she got access to the beta) and its taking forever to load stuff. So I'm just going to say what's been happening in recent times.

I guess the biggest thing is that I'm done with uni for the year. Heh, the very appearance of this post probably explained that already. 4th year was pretty heavy. The workload does fluctuate throughout the year though, but the amount of hours spent doing uni-related stuff this year far exceeds that of previous years by miles. You pretty much have 40 hour weeks during the busier runs and on top of that you have your study, assignments, presentations, OSCEs and all that jazz. Then you have exams. It was such an intense year that suddenly having all this free time now feels surreal. I remember how anhedonic I became during those last few days before the final exam. I got to the stage where I just didn't care any more. Pass, borderline pass, fail...didn't seem to matter anymore. I just wanted it to end. I felt like I wasn't able to enjoy anything. Even after the exam, the feeling still lingered. I can't remember the last time I felt so low. Depressing, I know. But those feelings were real.

Its interesting what stress does to you. I mean, I really don't want to fail this year. It would be terrible, having all the blood, sweat and tears be shed in vain; the outcome would be the same as if you simply hadn't tried at all, or went on a vacation or something. Having to go through that shit again would be so damn annoying. I suppose it would be easier the second time around but its still a lot of hours. Not to mention the social stigma of being held back. I don't usually care about that sort of stuff, but its one thing I could certainly do without. I'm just hoping I did well enough to pass. Exam B was hard. So many obscure and specific questions. It's still difficult for me to relax until I see that green light. I know I can't do anything about it so I'm trying to distract myself with games and hobbies in the meantime. Oh man, I fucking don't want to fail.

On a lighter note, vacation time means I get to spend more time with mikorikawa! <3 YAY. It's so great being to hang out with her without the ominous awareness of the amount of study that's lurking in the background needing to be done. I only have 3 weeks in Auckland before I head off to Canada so I really want to make the most of it. Sometimes I feel guilty for not having as much time for her as I should, and sometimes I wish we could have met under different circumstances. Ah well, some things can't be helped. Just means that every moment with her is that more precious. Here are some photos ^^

Hanging at the domain on a sunny day

The Sushi Room: Before

The Sushi Room: After

Armageddon! =D

Snow Ice~*

Ah, I feel so lucky to have such an awesome girlfriend.

So today I spent the morning trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with my DVD writer. Turns out that those Sandy Bridge motherboards made by Gigabyte have faulty SATA2 ports. It took me forever to figure that out, it was so annoying. At first I thought it was the writer itself that was malfunctioning but then I realised I'd recently installed a new 2TB internal HDD and shifted the DVD drive cable to a different port. So that means I have to drop my computer in to get repaired...zZz...why do I have such bad luck with computer parts :S I think that's the 3rd part that's failed on me so far.

Tried to draw a bit today too. Key word being -tried-. Sometimes I wish I took up more constructive hobbies during my youth instead of just playing games and reading books. I guess I did learn piano. Although that skill is pretty much gone through years of neglect. Just seeing what others can do inspires me sometimes. Although often I never put in enough work or practice to ever get to the level of the people I get inspired by, heh. Guess its my general lack of motivation holding me back again. Perhaps I need to find out ways to motivate myself, so maybe I'll actually get somewhere in life. Meh, sometimes I just like being indifferent. I don't get excited or amused very easily. I know I probably come across as a boring, uninteresting person to most people. And I can live with that. I don't mind being alone too much anyway, it can be peaceful.

For those of you in the tl;dr camp: There isn't much interesting content in this post. Your life won't be any better from reading this so go back to living your life. No offense taken.

Anhedonia

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Thursday, November 24, 2011

Another month gone, and only 2 months before finals. That's pretty damn scary. I told myself I wouldn't fail anything this year, and I want to keep that promise to myself. I think those 9 weeks in Rotorua gave me a lot of self-reflection time to think about my life and what's important to me in this world. I realise that up til now I've really been skimming the surface of medicine and not truly engaging in it as well as I should have been. My lack of knowledge during many of my clinical attachments supports this. If only I took things a little more seriously maybe I wouldn't have to feel like this. But the past can't be changed, as I keep telling myself indefinitely. I did have a lot of fun earlier on this year, though. Hanging with kuroi_rose and the anime club, playing mtg and starcraft with the engineering group, and of course, cruising around Auckland with Pochama, Kurosei and Mikorikawa...I do miss doing all those things. *sigh*, priorities.

That isn't to say I haven't been having any fun lately, although 2 weeks of campus learning was a bit of a drag, I must say. I had my 21st birthday gathering last Friday which was a great night. It was really good seeing everybody after being away in Rotorua for so long, and made me appreciate what awesome people I have in my life. Although it was a pretty tiring night for me. At least all 25 people managed to fit in my apartment. It was also the first time since Mikorikawa and I were introduced to everyone as a couple. It was a new experience, being together in front of so many people. We also attended ice-skating yesterday together with friends. Going out with friends feels different now that I have Mikorikawa. I guess a lot of my attention is focused on her whereas before I'd go out of my way more to catch up with everyone else. Especially since she doesn't know many of my friends. It's sorta the same when I hang out with her friends, too, I feel. I don't want to distance myself from my friends just because I'm dating now, but sometimes I can't help it. I guess its one of those challenges that comes with being in a relationship.

At the moment I only have two things on my mind: study and spending time with Mikorikawa. Everything else seems unimportant. It's ridiculous to have such a one-tracked mind (or should I say, two-tracked) but I can't help but feel this way. I even feel like I'm wasting time writing this blog but I've been feeling so tired today from consecutive nights of poor sleep that nothing's going in. I don't know why but for some reason I've been getting real lousy sleep these past nights since coming back from Rotorua. Perhaps I should invest in some sleeping medications. It's getting to the point that entire days are going by with me feeling like rubbish throughout whereas usually I just lose the morning if I don't sleep well. Even taking a 2 hour nap didn't help. So annoying, having poor sleep ruin your day. Wish I could sleep like I could before. Enough ranting, I should probably stop wasting time and get on with something productive now.

Mikorikawa and I <3

Resolve

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Monday, September 19, 2011

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It doesn't feel like 3 weeks have passed since my last post. Medicine's been so full-on I haven't had the chance to stop and reflect on things like I usually do. Over the past few weeks I've been sinking into the routine of - 1. Wake up 2. Eat breakfast 3. Go to the hospital 4. Come back from hospital 5. Study 6. Dinner 7. Study 8. Skype mikorikawa 9. Sleep. Not that I have problem with routine, I actually quite enjoy having things in order and knowing what to expect during the day. It's just some moments when I realise I've been doing the same damn thing every single day for the past few weeks that I question whether this is really okay with me. There are weekends, of course. But those are for catching up on study and doing those bloody case histories we're supposed to hand in every week. Sometimes I wonder what I got myself into when I signed up for medicine. Makes me wonder why so many people want to do it when you have to give up so much. I'm definitely not ambitious. Turns out that most people who do medicine are. You have to push for what you want if you want to succeed in any career, now that I think about it. And medicine is no different.


Doing med certainly makes you grow up very quickly, even if you don't want to. Especially once you get to 4th year and beyond. You're forced to go out into foreign parts of the country on your own and arrange everything for yourself on top of all the study you're meant to keep up with. Don't have a car? Don't have a licence? Too bad. You're supposed to have those by now. Never left your parental home? Well now is the time to. I guess by the age of 21 most people would be able to do those things. And it turns out a lot of people do enjoy that aspect of getting out there and doing things. But unfortunately I'm not like most people. I do like sticking to what's familiar if I can help it.

I guess I've come to accept that I can no longer keep up with those time-consuming hobbies I used to enjoy so much. Watching anime and tv series, reading manga, playing games, MTG drafting ... I guess those things don't get you anywhere in the long run. Although I probably could do some of those things if I made time. I'd just have to make sure I didn't get carried away with doing those activities. Which is easy to do. Especially anime. I haven't even had time to blog recently but that's something I don't want to give up. It's really good to look back and reflect on things that have happened and the thoughts you had at the time. Before I used to blog to get stuff out of my head but that was back when I had too much time on my hands and thought about stuff more than I should have been. Nevertheless, I want to keep this blog going, whatever the reason. I just like it.

Anyhow I should probably get on with doing some things tonight. Even though its a Friday night and I don't usually get much done on days like this I should probably make an effort.

In the Heart of Medicine

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Thursday, August 25, 2011

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I suppose it's about time I wrote something here, since it's been about 2 months since my last post and circumstances have prevented me from keeping this thing updated.


My last few posts have been moderately suggestive of activity in my life that could not be disclosed due to the nature of this blog (ie. public). And what can I say, the 13th of June marks the day that I started dating mikorikawa ^^. I can't go into much detail about what's been going on these past 2 months but I can say that this has certainly been a new experience for me. Having a girlfriend has definitely opened my eyes to some of the flaws in my personality, heh. I'm still getting used to having someone; sometimes I do go about things as if I was single since it's just simply what I've been doing for so long. I've found I had to learn to re-evaluate previously familiar situations with this new context, otherwise I might end up being misinterpreted >< Such is the nature of this world, people do like to jump to conclusions rather quickly about such issues I find. Anyhow, it's a learning experience for me and I'm definitely going to do my best to make the most of it.

My mid-year break was largely spent studying and hanging out with mikorikawa and was possibly one of the most enjoyable 2 weeks of the year. 2 weeks of freedom, good company and moderate productivity; I can't recall the last time I felt so comfortable with my life and it goes without saying those two weeks went by very quickly. You might remember my post "My Type of Girl" from a while back, I honestly didn't think I'd find someone like her and I was quite prepared to enjoy single-dom for many, many more years. It's not that I didn't have confidence in myself as a person, but it was that my expectations were pretty damn specific. There really aren't many people who can understand me as a person and I've long accepted that reality. I just feel lucky to have mikorikawa since it's nice to be able to share your thoughts with someone who really understands and accepts you.

Uni's been pretty steady over the past few months although it has been hard for both of us since I've been down in Rotorua for most of the time doing Orthopaedics and now Medicine. Ortho was quite a relaxed and enjoyable run; it came to a surprise that that's the only ortho teaching we'll have in med school. I could do without the extra rheumatology, though, heh. Totally failed that station at the OSCE. Medicine has been really interesting and quite intellectually stimulating, although there's a hell of a lot to know and sometimes ward rounds go on for 6 hours! Lots to see and do, I'm already looking forward to doing medical runs as a House Officer xD you're always kept busy and there never seems to be a dull moment. I've grown to quite like Rotorua Hospital too, the close-knit and friendly environment really has grown on me. Pity that the city lifestyle has already gotten a fairly firm grip on me, I can't imagine myself working and living in a town like Rotorua in the long term. I can understand why so many people want to live in Auckland. There are just so many more opportunities. Even though I know as a medical practitioner you have the freedom to train anywhere in the country I don't think I could give up Auckland that easily. I find when you live in a town like Rotorua your social connections are far too restricted and you can't meet people who can really relate to you, simply because there are too few of those people there. Being different from most people I find this affects people like me a lot. So what if I don't want to join you drinking on Friday night. I'm not going to change myself just because the majority of the country places value in getting drunk and having a wild social life. Not that I mind being alone, I'd just rather not be if I had the choice.

I don't know how this rambling started, I guess I'm just trying to justify myself staying in Auckland since my parents keep nagging me to stay and live in Rotorua after I graduate. I really don't know where I'm going to end up in 3 years time but I do have a feeling I want to be in Auckland. Auckland has become my home. Going back "home" to Rotorua feels like leaving, and coming back to Auckland feels like coming back for real. Guess such feelings can't be helped when you're attached to a place you call your home.

Anyway I should be sleeping now, just finished skyping the dear one and gotta make it to the 8am ward round tomorrow.

Synchronicity

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Thursday, August 4, 2011

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I feel exhausted. Tonight was so emotionally charged I don't think I can get anything done tonight in terms of work. But I'm glad that I've been given a chance. And I'm going to sure as hell make the most of that chance. I know I've probably tried to move too fast given the circumstances, but I don't regret revealing my hand sooner than later since I would have to make the move eventually at some point. Today I learned I misinterpreted an unintentional sign that probably did lead me to make that move a bit sooner, and I found it quite amusing *chuckles to himself*

Anyway, I'm feeling like I could collapse from exhaustion any moment now, time to use the remainder of my strength to wash up and sleep.

A tiny fire burns, but idk what I really feel.

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Monday, June 13, 2011

I've played all the cards I've wanted to and revealed my hand. Trying to get anywhere by playing with your cards concealed just makes things complicated and stressful, and unlike Mahjong, you don't get any extra points for it. I spent a great deal of yesterday pondering over whether that was the right thing to do, since I thought I'd handle it, whatever the outcome. I guess I wasn't as strong as I thought I was, since if I really was that resilient of a person I wouldn't have had any second thoughts about my actions. If only I believed in myself a bit more, trusted in my abilities more, and left the rest to the forces of the universe, I would feel more comfortable about doing such things. I guess I'm still learning.

Today I told myself I wouldn't think anything more of it and get on with life as I'm meant to. I don't want to get my hopes up for anything that's not going to happen. Man, I really need to get a grip. I can't lose focus, gotta stay on track. I've been so preoccupied with this that I haven't had a chance to address other things on my agenda that need addressing. Like which teaching hospital I want to go to next year for Year 5. And study. And vacuuming, and cooking. I really do need to move on from these fragile ambitions.

Fragile Ambitions

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Sunday, June 12, 2011

Queen's birthday weekend was great, but would've been better if I hadn't come down with the cold on the day I had highly anticipated for the past week. I don't understand why shit has to happen like that but it does. I guess I'm not one to complain, at least I had a great time given the circumstances. Pochama and I spent the following day both studying and listening to each other's shit; it's good to know that shit in life doesn't just happen to you, it just seems that way since I'm the type of person who'd shoulder all their problems alone. And to a large extent, I still do. If I've learned anything in those years of high school and university I'd discard so readily it would be that nothing good is going to happen if you don't do anything yourself to solve your problems. I know it sounds stupid, but it took me a while to realise that truth. I spent the first 16 years of my life as a passive being, always being told what to do by people, be it parents or teachers, never having any initiative to do anything for myself. I don't know why I was that way. Perhaps it was because I was constantly told off so harshly for getting things wrong, or breaking the household rules that I eventually lost confidence in myself and thought it would make everyone else happy if I just did what they told me. And if they were happy, well so was I. After all, I just wanted to keep the peace and be a good kid. It didn't occur to me that I was allowed to have my own desires and ambitions because back then, you just did what you were told, and anything beyond that was scrutinised with much contempt.

It wasn't until I got to Auckland that things changed. No longer did I have anyone telling me what the fuck to do all day and night, be it practice piano, chores, homework, assignments or sleep. I could do whatever I wanted, pretty much. But it was then that I realised that I didn't have any ambitions at all, and what the hell did I get from listening to adults all my life, doing everything to please them and gain their approval? NOTHING, absolutely fuckin NOTHING. A huge part of what I regret about my previous years is how much more I could've gotten out of life if I had broken the cycle and actually taken control of my life. I don't want to blame my parents for what they did for me, because I know they were only trying their best. I can't blame anyone but myself for trusting that adults knew what was best for me and not realising that I am perfectly capable of looking after myself and doing things my own way. But it's hard to believe in yourself when nobody believes in you. I guess friends would've helped a bit. Not that you get the luxury of choosing your friends in a small town like that. Especially when I can't understand the merits of Kiwi teenage culture even though I was born in this goddamn country and lived amongst them all my life.

As you can tell I'm not in a terribly good mood today. Still recovering from the cold from the weekend and I can't really concentrate on what the hell I'm typing. Anyway what I was getting at was that things have changed since back then. I realise that there isn't anything to gain from making people happy, and the desire to live in a world where everyone is at peace was a childish and futile one to have. I don't know why I was so disillusioned as a child. It took me a while to start believing in myself and carrying out my own will instead of the will of others. And to do that you have to do things yourself because I honestly don't think anyone cares what the fuck you want. The majority of people in this world are self-interested and I don't believe they'd give a shit about you unless there's something they can benefit from doing so. The harshness of that reality took a while for me to realise since I guess I was sheltered all my childhood. Perhaps it was all that religious bullshit they drilled into us as kids at Primary and High School. I actually fuckin believed that crap. Wouldn't the world be a nice place if everyone just listened and cared for each other, avoiding conflict wherever possible? Admitting that you were wrong and apologising were things that became the mainstay of my personality as a kid because that was the right thing to do back then; I never stood up for myself once. And it goddamn stuck with me. I can't believe I listened to it all, but how could I have known better. I hate religion and what it did to me for believing it. It made me a weak person. It's been a real struggle going through med school with people who were brought up under more constructive values and beliefs, as it makes it difficult for me to relate to them. Especially in clinical years where you actually have to be real pushy to get the things you want.

It's taken me a few years to finally break out of those delusions and live the way I want. I know I can't shake all my childhood experiences off and perhaps a few of them will stick with me. Living alone and away from parental influences has helped a lot. I think I can safely say I know how to live my life better than they could ever tell me. I don't care if I have to do it alone because now I believe in myself and know my limits. I'm glad for the friends who accept me for who I am and I appreciate their prescence in my life. I doubt I could have broken the cycle without their influence. Occassionally I feel myself becoming envious of those who grew up among good friends and better influences but that's just me beating myself up for being so weak back then. I know I can't change the past, but only move on with the things I've learned. And I've learned a shitload.

I apologise for all the strong emotional content of this post. I'm not normally this agitated about my past these days but when I'm sick I tend to get depressed and I start thinking about it again. I won't dwell on this any longer, time to make myself some dinner and relax in front of some anime.

Disillusioned, Broken Ambitions that Never Existed

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Tuesday, June 7, 2011

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Hi, I'm Jeff! Welcome to my blog, where I share random thoughts and things about my life. Enjoy :)