lunar.soliloquy

Not a lot on my agenda at the moment. Had a quiet weekend spent mostly at home trying to study but getting distracted by Starcraft and anime. Somehow even when I have time on my hands like this it just seems that I'm no more productive than when I have things on. Perhaps the lack of formal assessment for Emergency Medicine has dulled my ambitions and I suppose having those exams and stuff are good in motivating me to keep on top of things. Not that I like exams, don't get me wrong.

Emergency Medicine's been really good so far. The shift work is quite light in that you're only assigned for 3 shifts a week (although some of those are at night) and people are generally quite nice (except one registrar which I won't get started on). Its really good to see acute cases since the majority of them are really unwell and you get to see the results of your treatments right away rather than sending them off with a prescription and telling them to come back in a week's time. Although being a medical student I kinda just try to stay out of the way most of the time, I do try to get involved as much as I can, even if it is just passing the lure plug to the nurse or holding down limbs in convulsing patients. It's good to feel useful, even if you're not really doing much. I find getting involved in things helps pass time faster than just standing around all the time. Emergency medicine does spark a bit of an interest in me. Although it is a fast paced environment and you would have a lot on your shoulders I find the whole hands-on nature of the specialty really appealing. I guess I find in ED I'm getting to do a lot more than all of my previous clinical attachments (especially psychiatry) and as a student its probably one of the best places to be to get some hands-on experience. Just feels great to finally be able to do stuff I guess, even though I don't consider myself a hugely practically oriented person.

University work aside, life's been pretty steady otherwise. Been hanging out a bit with Pochama and friends, and little mikorikawa too ^^. Pochama's been acting up recently and I'm getting a little concerned about him. Hopefully I'll see him tomorrow in ED, since his ambulance shift coincides with my hospital one. Looking forward to catching up with misty_angel26 hopefully sometime this week too, she owes me lunch >=). I can't say my social life is all that active at the moment, but with everyone being so busy with uni work and jobs I'm glad to even have one at all.

Just had a 40min chat with mum and dad so forgive me for losing my train of thought. Oh yeah, next weekend I have another 21st party to attend and also going skiing with some friends at SnowPlanet ^^. At least those are some things to look forward to. Progress on my hidden agenda seems to be going well so far, I'm hoping things improve by the time I have to go to Rotorua, otherwise outcomes will potentially be adversely affected. People say I have a lot of things going for me, I guess I doubt my abilities too much. I'm trying to take things slowly, because I have a feeling if I rush through things, the opportunity will be lost forever. But I think if I play my cards right, good things will start to happen, and I'm counting on it.

Oh, where has the evening gone, looks like its time for bed already T.T well guess I'll leave things here for tonight. I'm sure there was something else I wanted to mention here, guess it'll have to wait til next time.

Quite a lot has happened since I last posted. So much that in fact I'm not sure where I should start. Perhaps a brief word about Anaesthetics at Middlemore would be adequate. Anaesthetics is a pretty interesting specialty. My first impression of an anaesthetist was someone who puts the patient to sleep, goes to sleep him/herself, then wakes up to wake up the patient, rinse and repeat ad infinitum. And to the best of my knowledge it wasn't too far off. I've had anaethetists reading books and newspapers after intubating and drugging the patient while I awkwardly stood there wondering if I should interfere with their leisure time by pelting them with questions. I know I should be more pushy and just go for it but it's just not my style. Nowhere did I read that to do medicine you had to be pushy and annoying to others just trying to do their job and I certainly would have thought twice about doing medicine if that's what was required. Sometimes I wish that the teaching was even just a little more structured than what 4th year is. The hospital and the university have completely different agendas and you, the 4th year student, is stuck somewhere between them in a limbo where nobody really gives a damn about you. Here's my take on the whole situation:

The university wants you to perform procedures A, B and C, X number of times within 2 weeks. You need to do a 1,000 word case report, fill in your logbook, have twenty 1 on 1 tutorials with your clinical supervisor and do a night shift. It all sounds semi-reasonable, until you actually get to the hospital. That's when you realise that the so-called "supervisors" aren't really expecting students. They're only expecting patients. And sick ones. The hospital only really cares about treating patients and you're forced to work around that.

This may very well be your first time in a hospital, let alone an operating theatre. No protocols have been explained to you at all. You don't know your way around anywhere. If a fire broke out, you wouldn't know where to go or what to do. The only way you'd learn these things are the hard way. Getting lost. Pissing off the surgeon for getting to close to them while they were in sterile attire. Accidentally touching something you shouldn't have. The list goes on. Not to mention getting kicked out of operating theatres for simply being there and observing. Isn't this meant to be a teaching hospital? How am I supposed to learn anything if I'm constantly being pushed around and not told anything I should know to get the most out of my 2 week attachment? Sometimes I feel I spend most of my day simply trying not to get in the way of people and I reckon I'm going to be an expert at that by the end of the year.

But wait, what about all those procedures you have to do, those 20 1 on 1 tutorials with the consultants you're meant to be doing? You'd be lucky to have a go at even putting in 1 endotracheal tube or LMA in. They'll usually be happy for you to bag-mask ventilate for them because it requires almost no skill. And the patients will already have IV's in 'cos the HO's are putting them all in down in the surgery wards. Getting those tutorials is really a matter of chance. Some consultants are real nice and teach you everything, while some just ask you difficult questions and troll you when you get them wrong. Sometimes they can get real busy too which can't be helped I guess. In the end you have to get those boxes ticked and how you do it the university doesn't care. The hospital staff couldn't give a damn how many of those boxes you need to fill and so long as you don't get in their way. Theoretically, one could use this situation to their advantage by acquiring signatures and marks for things they haven't actually done. It would probably be the best way to keep both parties happy, but it isn't a risk I would be willing to take. Not to mention that you probably wouldn't learn anything either.

It annoys me to have to blog so negatively after almost 3 weeks of no posts but I guess its been bugging me a lot recently. On a more positive note, I've been to 2 birthday parties recently which have both been good, although one was certainly more enjoyable due to the presence of a certain individual ^^. Catching up with friends is always nice. I never was a fan of huge parties but simply having the right company with the right atmosphere makes a huge difference. I know life is only going to get busier from now so I'm going to make the most of the time I have now. Pochama has been helping me out a lot with things, too, and I'm really glad to have his help. I don't think I would've gotten this far without him.

Mum came up this weekend and we spent Mother's Day together with my sister. It's kinda annoying how I'm expected to drop all plans for the weekend when the parents visit, especially when you have, er, other agendas. I like to think myself as quite grateful for the things they do for me, but sometimes I think they forget that I have a life outside from them and that its quite important for me as well. I know they've done a lot for me, but the reality is that now I do a lot of things for myself and I feel that I deserve some freedom. I realise that they don't visit too often, so I make a lot of effort to spend as much time with them when they do come, because I know I'd feel guilty if I didn't. I guess I still haven't figured out what's really important to me in life. Studies? Family? Friends? Other agendas? Sometimes I think I'd have an easier time if I was more assertive of what I wanted out of life so that I wouldn't run into trouble with my conscience. Truth is, I'm quite happy with the way things are at the moment. Living each day for the sake of living, experiencing things old and new, having aspirations for the future but not losing sight of the things that have helped get me to where I am now. Yeah, sounds about right. That's how I roll.

Some people turn to religion for guidance; others meditate or read inspirational books. I blog. I should do more.

Life's been good recently. Probably hanging out more than I should be but that's okay, I keep convincing myself I'll catch up on things during the Easter weekend but I'm not exactly sure if that's going to happen. Hopefully catch up on sleep. It's not like GP is assessed too formally anyway, but there is an annoying assignment I should probably make a start on. I'm aiming to do that at the very least, as well as try to revise some of the NZ guidelines for asthma, diabetes and stuff. Still wishing I had a holiday but 4 days off for the Easter is at least something.

Been cruising around town quite a bit with Pochama and friends after work which has been really fun. Having flexible hours means it's real tempting to take a half-day off to go hang in town but since I've been learning so much in GP its reduced the temptation somewhat, although its still there. Next week I won't have the TI around to teach me and whisper answers in my ear so the temptation to gaps will probably be even greater, but I really have to work on seeing patients alone so I'll have to make sure I don't find myself walking out the door at 1pm.

Internal conflicts aside, I've really enjoyed the time just hanging with Pochama. I don't often get the chance to talk about things so openly with others since many of my peers have different views on life from me. I dislike the egotistic side of human nature. Nobody's perfect, and I don't understand why some people try so goddamn hard to be. I admit my mistakes. I learn from them. I try not to make the same mistake again. I try hard to appreciate others' points of view because I know you can't see the world through a mirror. I don't criticize other people because I know people do what's good for them at that time and in that circumstance. I feel that some people find it hard to understand the way I see things and that's why I feel awkward in some social situations. Perhaps I should be more opinionated about things, but I hate getting into conflicts of interest. I think Pochama understands some of these things. Even though we're different in our own ways there seems to be a baseline that's common to us both.

I got called by mum in between writing the last paragraph and this one so I kinda lost my train of thought. Maybe things will come back to me later. It's getting late so I'll just leave things hanging here for now; time to shower and sleep.

So I've been working at my General Practice attachment in Manurewa over the past three days, and its made me realise just how much I'd forgotten since 2nd and 3rd year. Essentially I feel I know absolutely nothing and I'm finding I have to look stuff up for every case and everything just seems so foreign even though I know at one stage I studied and learnt everything I had to. I guess the way you look at things in GP is which diseases fit this symptom, whereas in uni you learned disease processes which lead to symptoms, and it puts a whole new perspective on the way I learn things. Also the history taking is quite different from what we were learnt in uni and GPOPS and you won't get many points for empathising with the patient (although its still a good thing to do, but really it's a waste of time in my opinion to go over the top with it like we're taught) or doing a complete history since most of the background stuff is already in the patient's file. It seems that there's more of a focus on asking relevant questions to do with why the patient has come in today and formulating a differential from which you hone in on key questions you should be asking to exclude diagnoses and identify risks. I like that style better; going straight to the point. The whole "That must be very hard for you. Can I get you a tissue?" bullshit felt just too fake. Unfortunately those years of training to use a cushy-pillow-to-cry-on type of interview style seems to have dulled my ability to actually get the information I really need from the patient since there was very little focus on actually diagnosing patients who had real illnesses. I feel I just don't know the questions I should be asking and it just pisses me off since I feel like I should know these things. I duno, I guess I didn't study hard enough in those 2 years to actually remember anything. Guess it's back to square one for me, relearning 2 years worth of rote-learned material is gonna be annoying.

Apologies for the lack of structure and positivity in this post. I haven't been getting great sleep over the past few days for some reason. Probably going to bed too late, just feel real tired after clinic.

Its been a month since my last post here and I'm not sure where I'm supposed to start since I can't even remember what sort of things I wanted to say, if anything, about my life. That's the problem with stopping the posts for a month or so; I forget where I left off and I find it really hard to start them up again. Should really keep this thing going more often.

Anyway, if I remember correctly one of my last posts was about being unfamiliar with Hamilton and finding it difficult to adjust to the hospital environment and life at Hilda Ross. I can't say things had improved much since then during my time at Hamilton, unfortunately. To be honest, I found it goddamn depressing being away from Auckland and it was even worse than being stuck in Murupara since at least there I wasn't under the pressure of uni work. Especially since I hadn't had much of a chance to spend much time with friends during those very busy 2 weeks of campus teaching after being stuck in Murupara/Rotorua all summer. Guess I felt things had just gotten back to the way things should be when suddenly it was all taken away from me again. Even looking back at the photos I took of my room back at Hilda makes me depressed. 6 weeks was far too long. 2 weeks or shorter would have been fine, it was just after that 3rd week that things started to get real dreary and damn depressing. Spent lots of time watching anime, playing DS and wondering if I'd end up in the psychiatric ward myself. The kitchen situation didn't help either. I don't want to know how much money I spent on takeaway food over those 6 weeks but I simply refuse to cook with inadequate cooking facilities and in a questionable hygiene environment. Hell, eating out and stuff was one of the few things that kept me sane, along with my weekend trips to town to the net cafe, arcade and momotea by myself. Despite the whole depressing side of things the 6 weeks did go by surprisingly fast. I guess having the regular 8:30 to 3:30 clinics and 3:30-4:30pm tutorials was good in that I didn't have too much time to myself to dwell on things. I realise this was a lot more work than perhaps an Auckland outpatient student may have had but it wasn't like I had anything better to do in Hamilton anyway. Being in outpatient sucked when everyone else was having a blast in on the wards but you just gotta play with the cards you're dealt with since such things are often beyond your control. Part of this whole experience has, in a way motivated me to be a little more engaged in my studies and perhaps I should take this on board as a lesson that needs to be learned if I'm to be successful in my career.

It's been really good to be back in the big city again. I really didn't realise how much I missed Auckland til I had to spend those six weeks down in Hamilton. Makes me appreciate the things I have here a lot more, at least. Feels good to finally be able to cook a meal properly and not worry about people stealing my ingredients from the fridge or not washing the utensils and dishes properly. I really really love having a nice clean kitchen to work in, too. Good to finally be able to play Starcraft in the comfort of my home too, heh. I guess I'm just used to having everything being comfortable at home and I've become somewhat dependent on these things without me knowing. Guess you could say I'm a bit addicted to SC2 >.> been playing that a lot over the past week, probably more than I should be...

I've recently started hanging with the anime club gang at AUT and met some really awesome people. Sometimes I wish I had more time to just chill and hang but when you're stuck in uni for 8 hours a day at Tamaki campus (of all places =.=) it isn't so easy. I'm going to make a conscious effort to make time for myself to do those things this run so I can make the most of my time in Auckland. Apparently GP is fairly cruisy according to a few classmates I've spoken with but I was told the same things about psychiatry (and that wasn't really). The first week was fairly intensive although the teaching was really quite good. I feel that I'm going to enjoy GP a lot more than psychiatry if things are anything like the time I've spent at my dad's work in Murupara. One thing they made us do in the first week was a thing called GPOPS (General Practice Office Patient Simulations) where you're forced into the role of a GP where you're expected to take a history, examine the patient and develop a management plan for a number of different patient scenarios. Sounds straightforward enough til you realise you don't remember a thing from 2nd or 3rd year and you're struggling to reassure the patient you know your stuff, cos in reality you're just a humble 4th year forced into a role s/he's not ready for. I initially sucked and got lots of 2's (5 being the best) for my first patients although by the end of it I was consistently getting 4/5 which wasn't too bad. I guess pretending to know your shit is a skill in itself and you just gotta fake it til you make it. Not my style at all but if that's what's expected it's not like I can do much about it except go with what's expected, as you often have to do with things like that (med interviews spring to mind).

I recently was given my mum's old car to use to get around to my attachments and stuff this year and it's about goddamn time I've made use of my full driver's licence and parking spot downstairs. Mum was so reluctant to let me have a car and it took a lot of explaining to convince her to let me have one. Initially I wanted to split the cost with my sister and get one to share but mum wanted to give us her old car so she could get a new one. Mum's car is in pretty good shape considering how old it is, and it's clocked about 130,000km already so it's been fairly well-used but not too much. It's a Toyota Corona sedan (I think 2001 model or something), engine size 2.0L, auto. Might post up some pics later. It's good to finally be able to have a bit more mobility rather than being restricted to public transport which isn't terribly great (but better than Hamilton's by all means) so we can go cruising during the weekends and stuff. Gotta get used to the Auckland roads first, though.

Well I'm going to wrap things up here for now and I'll try and keep this updated. Thx for reading =)

One of the fun things about being single is that you can have unrealistic expectations of your future partner/girlfriend and get away with it. And it’s all the better if you’re not interested in getting involved in a relationship at this point in time, since the probability of meeting such a person will be quite low if you place your expectations high enough. I know, laugh at my logic all you want, but I think it’s better to overshoot on the expectations rather than undershoot, especially since finding a girlfriend isn’t on the top of my priority list at the moment. I realise this entry is going to be seen as quite controversial and I’m bracing myself at this very moment for the flames and trolls I know that are coming, even if unspoken I know will still be there in the hearts of my readers. But the way I see it, everyone has their own taste and this entry should be by no means seen as offensive or disrespectful towards anybody at all, particularly my female audience. If anything, this entry should be seen as a reason why I don’t have a girlfriend at the moment, not that I’m trying to justify it or anything, but rather state that it’s not something I’m particularly interested in at the moment, hence the ridiculous expectations.

The reason why I keep this blog is because there are a lot of things on my mind that I find easier to clarify by typing them out rather than have them go around in circles in my head all day. I keep it open to the public because I realise that if I wanted to talk about these things with anyone it wouldn’t come out the same because I think quite differently when I’m around other people compared with when I’m in the comfort of my room by myself. I don’t think I’ve mentioned it here before but I feel when I’m around other people I need to have to process an extra layer of information regarding their non-verbal language like facial expression, posture and tone of speech, and respond appropriately to them. After this initial layer of processing I sometimes lose my train of thought and I just say the first thing that comes to my mind, which often isn’t the thing I wanted to say. Hence why I find social situations tiring but I do enjoy going out with friends very much. I don’t give a damn what the DSM-IV has to say about my way of thinking, just cuz the rest of the world thinks a certain way doesn’t mean that I have a mental illness. What if the rest of the world is just dumb? I could say everyone with IQ below 134 was mentally retarded, I mean, who’s setting the standard here?

Anyway back to the topic. I’ve recently developed a model of judging females for partner compatibility and it seemed there were four most vital characteristics that were absolutely essential. I’m going to see if I can write up some sort of scoring sheet for this, heh.


~Jeffrey's Type of Girl~

This scoring sheet consists of the following THREE sections:

Section One: Key Characteristics /60 (must pass)
Section Two: Racial Requirements /-- (must pass)
Section Three: Bonus Points /40

Total Score is out of 100.


SECTION ONE – KEY CHARACTERISTICS (60 marks – must pass)
Section one is a must-pass component. Failure to score at least 50% in EACH SECTION is an automatic FAIL. The four must-have characteristics are:

A) Commitment /15
My type of girl knows how to get things done. She diligently works towards her uni degree/does well at her job and does her share of chores in the household. She’s well organised and keeps to her dates and appointments. I can’t stand people who can’t get things done. I’d rather be single than be together with some lazy-ass, no matter how well she does in the other sections.

B) Easy-going/fun /15
I like a girl that can have some fun. I realise that I am a med student and that by definition restricts my ability to enjoy myself but that doesn’t mean that I don’t like to have fun. I want someone who I can just hang out with like I do with friends, maybe go to a bubble tea or arcade (I know, Asian of me ><), and just enjoy each other’s company. Similar interests do help in this area I suppose. I could never date someone who takes things too seriously. Sure, study and work are important but that doesn’t mean it has to dominate your life.

C) Personality /15
I want someone who can relate to me on the same level. Our opinions on everything don’t have to be the same but fundamentally we have similar priorities in life. I guess I haven’t really sorted out what I want in life so this expectation is a bit silly but when I do find out what I want, I would want someone who shared this vision.

D) Quiet type /15
This one might seem a bit like an odd one but for me it’s actually quite important. I can’t keep up with conversation for extended periods of time, nor can I handle loud places like bars or clubs. My type of girl would be quite happy to chill at the local library or café rather than go out to those loud places and get drunk. I also can’t stand people who don’t shut up. I don’t mind having talkative people as friends, but for a partner, it’s a definite NO.

SECTION ONE TOTAL: /60



SECTION TWO – RACIAL REQUIREMENTS (must pass)
Failure to meet the racial requirements results in automatic disqualification.

Asian /--
Must be at least half asian. No alternative.

SECTION TWO: PASS / FAIL



SECTION THREE – BONUS POINTS (40 marks)
The following traits are not mandatory, but you’ll receive bonus points for the following:

A) Looks /10
Heh, let’s be honest, looks don’t really matter but they’re always nice to have ^^; I like long hair, a nice smile, slender figure (but not anorexic), and cute characteristics in general. In terms of dress I’d rather have someone who was more on the casual side. Glasses are cute, too 8D

B) Similar interests /10
Having a girl who’s into the same stuff as me would be nice. Manga, anime, DDR, games, mah-jong, etc.

C) Vegetarian diet /5
Makes things easier in the kitchen.

D) University degree /5
Either studying towards one or has one already.

E) IQ = 100+ /5
Just so they can function around the same level as me. I don’t like dumb people, but I can put up with them.

F) Age /5
Preferably she’s the same age as me or slightly younger. I’m not sure if I’d be comfortable dating someone older than me *is slightly old-fashioned* xD

SECTION THREE TOTAL: /40


TOTAL SCORE /100%


SCORING
How did you go?

below 50% (FAIL): Would not consider dating
50-65% (PASS): Would be mildly interested
65-80% (MERIT): Would be interested
85%+ (DISTINCTION): Would probably ask you out if I knew you and were single

Don’t ask me how the scoring works, it’s just an arbitrary number really. I wouldn’t expect anyone to score above 85% on this thing (assuming you scored this properly) but if they did I’d be quite interested in meeting such a person if they did =P Otherwise I hoped you found this entry at least slightly entertaining and worth the read, again apologies if I offended anyone in writing this.