Haven't posted here in a while, probably cos there hasn't been any reason to these days. Life at the moment = GPland + study + sleep. Not a bad life, but not one I'd want to have all year round at any rate. What else has been happening today. Turned up to clinic for a couple of hours, got my Boostrix vaccine (in your face, pertussis).
New iPhone model announced this morning. Probably going to end up getting it because I've been wanting a full-size smartphone for some time now and this one's got the most swag. Oh yes. Even though the Samsung Galaxy S3 and other models have better processors, screen size, battery life, and expandable memory they don't anything near the polish and slickness of an iPhone (especially when its the latest model and its only been weeks since its release). Plus the ridiculously large fanbase for the phone means manufacturers will be more likely to dish out a wider range of accessories making life nice and simple. No more looking through ebay for accessories for obscure phone models anymore. iPhones are everywhere. I'm not the one to jump on bandwagons in a hurry but this is one bandwagon worth jumping on. At least they're actually decent products. And yay for medical apps. And its nice and light. Just two more weeks.
Anyway I've waffled on way too long, time to get back to work.
2012
Another day on the job. I really need to get more sleep. I keep running low on energy towards the end of the day and it feels shit not being productive at night since that's the only time I got during weekdays, really. Trying to keep the exercise up too. I can't seem to DDR for more than 30 minutes at any one time and that's not even on the hard difficulties. And I feel like I'm probably gaining weight too from all this sedentary activity called study. Feel like I'm in a ditch and the only way out is to dig deeper until I get to the other side. But I do want to get through this year. Even if I have to go through Hell and back.
Tired of study and wanting escape. But my conscience has chained me to my desk and won't let go. No, I've come too far to let go. Stupid MCQ test that's "formative" but which you "must pass in order to complete the run". I hate being controlled by the heartless and sadistic people who run the medical programme. They should go to hell for what they put us through. Every single one of them. Just because they know that medicine is a highly sought degree doesn't mean that they can give us last minute timetables (or even timetables scheduled for dates that have already gone) and stapled scrap paper for notes and all the other shit they put us through just because they have the power. No wonder all the med students are flocking overseas. I don't blame them. Anyway that's enough rage for one night. Back to the books. I just needed to let off some steam.
Edit: This fucking urology book is full of bloody grammar errors too. Fuck you med school. We're not even worthy of a simple MS Word spellcheck, are we?
Feeling tired this evening. Stupid urology case history took all of my energy. I don't know why, but it did. I actually prefer studying material rather than doing assignments. Assignments are horrible things because you can spend as little or as much time on them as you want, and I always end up wasting too much time on them. Anyway, its done, so one less thing to worry about.
In other news, I've decided to try working on my fitness a little more than I have been and pushing the DDR for 30 minutes a day. I recently did a self-assessment of fitness using some online tool thingy and apparently I'm below average for my age and gender. I hate being unfit. It's probably not noticeable now but later on I know my lack of fitness will come and bite me in the back.
Nothing else to really say here. Going to try and study some more tonight. Oh, the joy.
A day to myself today. Spent some time with parents yesterday since they were up to visit again. Feels good to have time to myself again. Although my feelings in general seem to have dulled in intensity, which is probably a good thing. Emotions aren't too important if they're not going to be positive ones. For now I'm probably better off without them. I realise this is probably sounding real emo at the moment (or whatever it's known as in mainstream media) but I don't care. Whatever gets the job done, I say.
Otolaryngology last week, urology tomorrow. I'm not having high expectations for these short surgical rotations. Everyone's so busy and I don't really learn a lot from attending theatre or clinics. I'm better off reading stuff so shit actually makes sense. I don't really understand what there is to learn by being around this level of subspecialty since all we need to know really is the common GP style stuff. Who am I to complain, so long as I get through it I'll keep quiet for now.
There really isn't much else to say at the moment. Exams are drawing near. Interest in life is compromised in exchange for the necessary preparation. 'nuff said. Stop complaining and keep working.
It's 6:50pm and feeling pretty darn tired. Been on the otolaryngology scene from 7:30am to 4:45pm and feeling too tired to study, yet determined to stay away from the Diablo 3 and other time-wasting activities tonight. So here I am on Blogger again. I don't think that blogging is a particularly good use of my time but I somehow feel that it's more productive than levelling up my Demon Hunter to level 60. To be honest I'm feeling quite indifferent to life at this very moment. Apathy, I think they call it. Probably just because I'm tired and need rest. I doubt that this feeling (or rather, lack thereof) will last, since I've had it before and it usually doesn't hang around for long. Just this lack of interest in anything at this very moment. Perhaps it's since I'm feeling the pressure of exams creep up on me and its a protective mechanism for me not to start stressing, since that's what I used to do. It really isn't such a bad feeling, apathy. I think I mentioned something similar to it in my last blog post.
Life's been pretty much as usual for the past few weeks. I don't really see much point in going into much specifics since it would probably bore non-medical people reading this. Endocrinology has been quite a nice run and the relatively few assessments and largely clinic-based work is quite different from my previous 2 runs (Paeds and O & G). As a result I've probably become a bit lax with my discipline (enough to purchase Diablo 3) but I don't plan on become addicted to it any time soon. After the trauma of those last 2 runs I don't believe I have the luxury of indulging in too much leisure this year, unfortunately.
I guess the main thing that inspired me to write this post was the growing sense of detachment and indifference to a lot of things that have been happening in my life. I'm not sure how I can explain this but I'll try my best. I feel that in the past I've been quite attached to things. All sorts of things. Material things. Routine. People's perception of me, to some extent. Somehow I find these attachments would restrain me from achieving what I want to in life. I don't have much ambition in terms of what I want to achieve in this lifetime. Sure, I do want a stable job doing something that will keep me busy enough to not get bored, and medicine offered it. I'm sure there are many other career pathways that result in the same outcome but I happened to choose probably one of the more difficult ones (considering my largely non-academic background in relation to other students). I don't regret it, since challenges make one grow.
Until I really accepted medicine as part of me I don't think I really did ever go out of my comfort zone to do things. There really would be no point, and any logical person wouldn't put themselves in unnecessary trouble unless it was for a good reason. But I think if there's really something you strive for, something you'd dedicate your heart to, something powerful enough to define you as a person, I don't think you'd really have a reason to let these small attachments to hold you back. That is, if your desire is strong enough. People who are too attached to their pride won't achieve their ambitions because their pride is their ambition; their self-image has become their main focus in life and everything else comes secondary. And I don't believe simply looking good to other people is a worthy aspiration in life, but that's just my biased way of thinking.
If you think I'm spouting out baseless nonsense I do believe I can relate to these experiences, even on a superficial level. I don't know how many times I have to admit to a consultant that I haven't a clue to how to approach a problem and they've reprimanded my lack of knowledge resulting in emotional hurt and damage to my self-esteem. I don't consider myself a particularly emotional person but I nonetheless feel these things quite strongly. This type of circumstance recurs pretty much every day, week after week because there's always going to be something I didn't know, something that I was too afraid to ask, something that I felt I should have known. But I feel medicine has helped me overcome my previous attachment to my self-image by repeatedly exposing me to situations where I had to constantly overcome it to survive the day. Now, I suppose I feel quite detached to these feelings and if that situation comes up, the response is logical rather than emotional. Where did I go wrong? Should I really have known the answer to that question? Or are the consultants just dicks asking me registrar level questions? Okay, so I maybe I'll do some reading on it tonight and revise the case again. I believe that life really isn't that difficult if one approaches things in a logical manner, so long as you have your goal in mind. The problem is, not everyone can readily suppress their emotions as easily as some.
The same principle applies to other things in life. Lost your iPhone? Learn to be more careful next time and maybe fork out and buy another one if it really meant a lot to you. Failed a major assessment and can't pass the year? Simply repeat the year and work harder. Afraid that people might judge you because you failed? Well if you're going to let other people's judgement get in the way of your goal, it really does say a lot about you. People are going to judge you no matter what, so it's up to you how authentic you want to be to others. You're the only one who has to live with the real YOU. You can't blame anybody else for the way you are but YOU. It took me a long time to realise these things, despite my mother telling me them a long time ago when I had very little self-esteem and communication skills. I used to blame things and people in my environment and always played the victim because I failed to take control of my life. I never really had any goal back then. It wasn't until I really logically evaluated myself in the context of the wider environment (probably being Auckland, lol) that I realised what I was lacking, and what I desired. It was then that I managed to break away from those chains.
I don't usually post this sort of internal emotional thought processing publicly but I suppose I've been feeling quite this way inclined in recent days. This growing sense of not really caring about these little things, focusing on the light at the end of the tunnel, building that mental resilience. Not letting my environment control me because I'm not going to let it. It's a pretty damn stubborn way of thinking, really. It just works for me.
I've never really made a wishlist since Santa Claus days and even then those were rare. I guess I've never really been in a situation where I've wanted stuff that were too far out of my price range. Either I'd have bought the thing I wanted or I'd have thought the item unnecessary and decided I no longer desired it. But now I guess there are things that I feel would be nice to have, but aren't really necessary at all. I suppose it isn't too uncommon to have these desires; its part of being human, is it not?
Oh so mainstream! Never too late to jump the bandwagon, Steve Jobs is always willing and eager to take your money, even in death. iPhones are popular for a reason, and I'm not going to deny that it's a good product. I suppose it does share the annoyances of Apple products in general (can't remove the battery, fragile, need iTunes to do everything for you) although there are probably countermeasures to those. The fact there's no expandable data card slot means I'll probably have to get the 32/64GB version since I want to be able to store my media in it too. I would still consider getting an Android at this stage since the market seems to be expanding but at the moment Apple would still be the appealing choice to me. The interface and touchscreen of an iPhone are pretty darn hard to beat.
I've never really been into photography in a big way but it seems to be a fun hobby, albeit and expensive one. Probably hold off on this one until I secure some proper income, as I heard the lenses can get expensive. I'm quite happy with my point and shoot digital camera (although it does actually belong to my mum, who doesn't know how to use it) but I've seen some of the pictures people have been taking with them and they really are quite impressive. Again I'd have to do a lot of homework on this before even considering making a purchase.
I've been wanting a proper set of over-ear headphones for some time but haven't really had the need to get one yet since I inherited my sister's Microsoft headset which is actually pretty good. However they aren't too comfortable at times (they're pretty darn tight) but the sound quality is so good that I haven't wanted to invest in a new one. I'd probably end up forking out a considerable amount for these. Beats by Dr. Dre have really amazing sound quality and comfort (yay for in-store samples at JB Hifi xD) but I'd probably end up getting the studio ones which are over $200 on eBay. Why do nice things have to cost so much $_$Another hiatus plagues my blog yet again. I wish i could explain these to you, my dear reader, but such things are too personal to bring to the surface so lightly. Every time things seem to be getting back on track something comes up again. And again. Repeat ad infinitum. But i'll keep coming back.
So what is there really to write about these days, anyway? I guess there's Population Health Intensive Week that's just gone by. Not a topic i'd like to talk about in depth. Let's just say that that's just another week of my life med school's taken from me that i'll never get back. Big deal. Why should I have the right to complain about these things, though? I'm in med school, what more could I want? Just suck it up.
There really isn't a lot to write about on here. I guess being bored while waiting for the hairdresser has motivated me to write again. I'm actually writing this from my phone, yay for keyboard phones xD. Blogging out in public places isn't usually my style but i could incorporate it more into my blog if I decide to purchase a mobile data plan. What's the deal with this hairdresser, anyway? I booked my appointment for 2pm and I've been waiting in here for 15 minutes already. I guess you can't always rely on people keeping to their appointments even if you go out of your wey a lot to keep to yours. Such is the nature of society. Annoying.
So i spent this morning doing some chores and errands. Vacuumed the house, did the washing. Picked up a consignment I'd missed yesterday (couriers are terrible things when you live in an apartment where nobody's home during the day). Had lunch with mikorikawa at oporto's using one of those online coupon deals. Their veggie burgers aren't bad, but in the end it is just fast food. Did some grocery shopping after that and now here I am at the hairdressers.
I initially discovered this hairdresser through my girlfriend and I tried it out once before and was quite good. All the hairdressers in town overcharge while the only cheaper places are barber shops who do very, very crude jobs. This place is around East so takes a bit of time to travel out for me but its only 12 dollars for guys. I guess if you counted the petrol cost it would probably end up close to 20 dollars anyway but I travel out here quite a bit. Sometimes I like to make day trips out to Botany to get away from the monotony of the city. It's actually quite a nice part of Auckland. If I were to move away from Central I would consider living in East.
I wonder if any of the things I put up on Trademe got sold this morning. Been trying to get rid of a few things I no longer use. Felt a bit guilty about putting up one of the things since I received it as a gift. But mistyangel26 didn't seem to mind when I brought up the subject with her.
Oh, looks like the hairdresser's ready. Signing off~
~Stand a little taller~~Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone~
Yay for Kelly Clarkson ^^ I find her songs really inspiring.
2 weeks have passed since my last post. Certainly doesn't feel that way at all. I can't believe O & G is over already, I feel as I had just began to get a grip on things it's finished. If only I picked things up faster, heh. I always feel like it takes a long time for me to get used to one thing, hence my dislike for change. But if it's a change for the better, or to advance fields of understanding or knowledge then it's definitely worth it. I just wish I could adapt faster and enjoy things more although I do seem to be getting better at it since entering med school. Med has certainly changed the way I think about things, and its a positive thing. Critically analysing situations for what they are and not holding on to past experiences and what's comfortable. Constantly expanding knowledge and being open to new experiences, it isn't something I would have welcomed previously.
Self-reflections aside, these past 2 weeks have been pretty stressful. O & G is supposedly the busiest run of the year and I'm glad as hell it's over. So many seminars, tutorials and reading to do, clinics to attend and if course that big OSCE at the end (which I just had this morning). I actually surprisingly enjoyed this run very much, despite all the work involved. My team was awesome, the medicine wasn't too complex and the patient contact was really good. If only I didn't get kicked out of gynae clinic so much during pelvic examinations, haha. I think I mentioned something like that in my last post so I'll leave it at that. I do like being kept busy, somehow. Having things to do each day does help with the motivation and is a good cure for procrastination. So long as the work doesn't eat too much into sleeping or self-care activities which I tend to indulge in (cooking and doing chores around the house does give me satisfaction, I admit).
I just hope the rest of the year goes well. Cos I'm looking forward to earning money as a TI and having a little responsibility instead of being pushed around all the time at the bottom of the food chain. And hopefully my performance at this morning's OSCE was adequate. If I were religious, I would pray.
btw I got myself a new desk recently. Got sick of having to hurt my wrists to type since my previous desk was too high. I guess I do take pleasure in doing simple things such as optimising my environment. I mean, might was well make yourself comfortable if you're going to spend 4-6 hours a day there, right? I've always wanted to get myself a corner desk. Soooo much space. Tends to get messy real easy though, haha. Since its just too easy to dump stuff there and leave it. First world problems xD
Going to have a relaxed weekend this time. Ice skating tomorrow! =D Excited. haven't been since Vancouver so looking forward to it. I sure hope I can work on my brakes a little at least, since I have a silly habit of building up a lot of speed on the ice then not knowing how to get rid of it (besides crashing into walls, or alternatively, people). Anyhow, I'm just really looking forward to having a day where I can just relax and not have to worry about stuff. On Sunday I'm going to Giapo's chocolate day event in the city since I bought a GrabOne voucher for it. All you can eat chocolate for $15 isn't too bad. Although I can't make as good use of it as some of my friends, heh. I dislike being bloated, and even less so on junk food. It just makes me sick, and what's the point of doing that to yourself when you're out there to have a good time? That's why I don't tend to purchase buffet food.
Off to paediatrics in Waitakere next! I wonder what adventures await me there. I heard it's quite a busy hospital for paeds. Guess I'll find out. For now I'll just take some time to tidy some things up at home. Laundry needs folding and papers on my desk need clearing. This always happens towards assessment days. Paper. Everywhere. Oh well, gives me something to do I guess. Thanks for reading, see you next post ^^ (whenever that is...)
This morning I tagged along with the Level 3 Neonatal paeds on their ward round. Standing around while listening to people talk stuff you've never heard before wasn't very educational. And it's hard for me to intrude and ask lots of questions when you're in the context of a team of very busy doctors trying to manage some very sick patients. I don't know what kind of educational experience the uni thinks they want me to gain from that but it doesn't seem like it's a very realistic expectation whatever it is. Anyhow I think I'll go off and eat something before this afternoon's O&G tutorials. Weekend's just around the corner, at last.
At the mall! Whee~
^^
Sunset at KonaAbout Me
- Lunatarius
- Hi, I'm Jeff! Welcome to my blog, where I share random thoughts and things about my life. Enjoy :)